The Desire to be Alone
Throughout my life have been very lonely, starting as an only child and continuing through my highschool years and now recently in my work life, as I left highschool a year ago. In many ways it felt like a consistent loneliness with bouts of people to fill the silence, then they would fade and I would step back into being alone. And while the desire to meet and talk to people is there, the desire to be utterly alone sort of looms over me. While I hate being so lonely, when I was around people I would yearn to go back to being alone. Comfort in the lack of responsibility to others and the fact that while alone, no one could hurt you in the way another person could. I have begun to wonder, that maybe in some ways, it is a form of self punishment.
Recently I have lost all of my friend's, coming out of highschool you are bound to loose some, but I have lost them all. In part it is my own fault, I am a terrible texter and I tend to fall very blandly, I lost some friends due to arguments and then some to a slow drifting of personalities. For a while the ending of my closest friendships haunted me, I continued to be around them and they would look at me and I could still feel the familiarity between us, in some ways they still hid behind me for comfort, even if not in the same way. But as time has gone on the setting in of loneliness takes home in me, and I desire to know more than just my family. Human relationships help keep pushing people forward, but I have none other than those in my home, while I love them dearly, don't suffice. I feel stuck, trapped in a town of only 2000 people, wasting away.
As I started college I realized that I would have the opportunity to meet new people and form new friends. Sadly I came to realize that I am very out of practice those and I didn't not talk to anyone for the entire first semester, apart from the required amount. And, unfortunately, not one person caught my interest, so it is a bit of self sabotage, I suppose.
I don't know how people do it, it's hard to met people when at my age I feel worn thin, unable to meaningfully connect with others and because of the pain I feel due to my body.
Talking to people is hard. And honsetly plenty of them are annoying, and maintaining a freindship is tough sometimes and what's it worth if it just hurts in the end. But for whatever reason humans are social creatures, and being alone sucks too sometimes. One of these days you'll find the right people, hopefully. Plenty of people struggle with peopeling, but it's not always obvious I guess. One of these days. Anyway, Good luck, and tc of yourself please.
There are lots of people struggling to make friendships right now and the pandemic made it worse. Just because you are out of practice doesn't make it any less possible.
But it sounds like you need to go slow and give yourself lots of breaks. Starting here is awesome. Classes are also a good starting point. Each semester is a different group of possible friends, so don't feel bad if this semester didn't work all that well. Keep goals small at first - maybe offer to meet one person in the library to study or go for coffee. Consider to going to a lecture on campus. You don't have to talk to anyone or say anything. You are just in the presence of other people getting a little more practice.
Be sure to get outside and get exercise in general, even if it is alone. It helps manage everything better.
You can do this and we are here to cheer you on. @AssumingVillage