(VENT) Trigger Warning: mentions of suicide

LITERALLY NO ONE CAN BE HERE FOR ME. I'm so tired of staying strong but I have to. My family doesn't understand. My school friends don't, and my friends just don't have the energy. I don't have any resources to go to a therapist and If I told a counselor at my school about how I'm feeling they'd tell my family and my family would punish me and blame it on the phone. I'm tired of feeling everything or nothing. I want this feeling to stop and I wish emotions didn't get in the way. I've been there for my friends but a few months ago they've been more reserved with it and only really want to play games. I've been trying to make friends at school but it never works, I'm NEVER THE FIRST CHOICE. I feel like my only way out is ending it. I don't know what to do. I was so happy a few months ago, I felt loved and supported, and now I feel awful. I wish someone wanted to talk to me about it and wouldn't be weirded out or overwhelmed. I want things to feel the same. I miss how I was feeling. I miss being happy.