dying alone
i feel like some people were put on this earth to be happy, and the others were made to watch other people be happy. i cannot shake the feeling that i don’t deserve to get what i want, i’m only allowed to watch the people around me get what i want and do the things i want to do and meet the people i want to meet. i know it’s not good to compare myself to my friends all the time but i find it hard not to do this.
i realized i’ve been living in an unhealthy and somewhat abusive environment for the last 8 years and i feel like it stole my best years from me. when you’re in your early 20s you’re supposed to spend that time having fun and being independent, but i didn’t get those opportunities. i’m a very late bloomer so i spent all of my youth watching my friends and peers go through normal developmental experiences while i either lag behind or simply don’t experience them
i compare myself to them because i have nothing better to do. my life wasn’t meant for fun experiences, so i listen to my friends talk about their funny stories and i live vicariously through them. i live inside of my head because the house i live in had messed up my self perception. in my head i’m normal. i’m independent and outgoing and i live alone and have a partner. i take my friends’ real life stories and imagine myself as the one experiencing them because that’s the closest i’ll come to feeling like a normal person. i cry myself to sleep at the thought of anyone calling me beautiful because no one in my life has ever said that to me before.
i was never meant to really get what i want, i was only born to watch other people be normal adults while i straggle along like a dumb overgrown child.
i need a hug
Yes, you definitely need a hug. I am sending one as often as you want it.
It is hard when your brain wants you to make those comparisons even when you know the comparisons are not healthy and they are hurting you.
You are most definitely not on the same time schedule as anyone. There is also NO point in your life that is supposed to be happier than another in terms of your age. You haven't wasted anything in terms of time.
Your friends also are often less happy than they appear. What people are feeling inside is so different than what they show. You look happier than you are, right? Realize that they are all doing the same thing.
Ok, so how do you find that happiness that you are looking for for you? It comes in little moments rather than giant ones. What kinds of things make you feel momentary joy? Start there. @versatileOwl4907
Hi, thanks for the response. I know my friends will also go through tough times, but it’s hard not to feel jealous of them. They have their best friends and partners that they always want to make plans with. Whenever people make plans with me, I’m never the first person they think of and the plans fall through at the last minute. This has happened so often this summer that I don’t want to try to go out anymore because I’m so tired of being disappointed.
For once I want people to crave my attention. I want to be the one ignoring people and ghosting people and cancelling plans last minute because I found someone better to do the plans with. I want to be the *** because for once I want to treat people the way they treat me. I want a person, I want someone who will always choose me first instead of looking at me as an afterthought. I want to look at my friends as afterthoughts because for once in my life I want the call the *** shots.
I can really understand your desire for all those things. Those are all things that you deserve. We deserve people who love and appreciate us.
How those people are going to appear in your life is hard to say, but they tend to appear when you aren't expecting them.
Maybe starting to look for some newer friendships would be good. What kinds of things do you like to do? That is always a good point of reinventing things and getting them going in a better direction. @versatileOwl4907
@bestVase7265
I'm moving to a new city in a few weeks so I'm literally in a transitional period. I want to try new things and join clubs and whatnot when I move, but until then I'm kind of stuck here. I don't really see the point in joining a club for only a few weeks so I'm just trying to schedule things with my friends until I leave, but sometimes I feel like they just don't really care. They'd rather spend the time with their actual best friends and partners and whatnot. I said bye to one of my friends and I don't think he realizes that that would be the last time we see each other.
There's nothing to do in my area. Everything happens downtown and it's a pain in the *** to go downtown for everything since the commute takes long and I always have to come home at the end of night. I don't have a place to crash or a partner to go to. I have to come back here. I am so *** alone and lonely. I am tired. I am tired.
That transition itself can be really tiring. I get why it all seems tough right now as you attempt to say goodbye.
I don't think I would be looking for new clubs now either in your shoes. That can wait for the move.
But I would do lots of online stuff to keep myself busy and get outside as often as I could. Each person is different in what helps, but for me walking is absolutely critical. I also do an online jigsaw puzzle and color. Those kinds of things can keep your mind better occupied until you get settled elsewhere.
Also, feel free to come back here every night and vent. It helps. I will always reply. @versatileOwl4907
@versatileOwl4907 Sending you hugs. I have felt the way you’re feeling right now. I think there is a “trap” in the way you are relating to your experience. “I was never meant to…” implies there is some force or being that has decided what your life should be.
@versatileOwl4907
Hello there versatileOwl4907!
Let's start with a BIG HUG :
I totally understand that when everything goes wrong it's really heavy and frustrating. It seems like everyone else is happy and the sensation to be detached from the world grows bigger. I would respect such feeling and your emotions, I know that telling you that maybe others are not so happy as they seem won't help, so let's take things in steps. Can we try to stop for a moment and make an effort to see some little things that are not so bad in our daily life? Probably it's not something huge but it can help our view on things adding a tiny positive perception .
What would you mention to be something a bit positive nowadays? It can be anything, really.
Hope to read you soon! 💙
