truly alone

when i was little, i’d always hear grownups say “be yourself!” unfortunately i never followed that advice. now i find myself here, as an adult, desperate for and yet extremely terrified of real, genuine social connection.

today i felt more low and sad than usual cause bad social experiences happened one after the other. i feel like i have completely grown out of the one friend(?) group i’m a part of as i’ve come to learn and accept my personality over my adolescent years. i don’t mesh well with these people and they just don’t ever show me the love, care, and attention that i have always shown them. i feel physically done accepting people into my life who only make me feel worse afterwards. they are uninspiring, they make me feel used, they make me question my own decisions, or they make me feel afraid of speaking out all my truths and dreams. i think i still feel fear of judgment around them, to a certain extent. but i feel fear of judgment about myself around everyone, not just this group in particular.

but i just hate how i feel left out, how i’ve never been one of their best friends, how i’ve never been anyone’s favorite person. i literally cannot think of a single friendship i’ve had where i was the other person’s best friend the same way they were my best friend. i felt scared of being judged by every single person i’ve ever opened up to, so i’ve always kept most of my mask on even around those who i once called my “best friend.” but learning about longterm friendships and best friends, i don’t think i actually ever had one. so the fact that this group i’m in feels so far away from where i am, from who i am, is no surprise to me. and even then, the sting and burn from that spiritual separation feels so unbelievably painful. perhaps that’s why i could never show every part of myself to anyone i’ve considered a friend, because i knew they would want to walk away from me if they really knew me. and i don’t know how to feel better so that i can have enough energy to want to find people i can connect with. i’m trying to be calm and patient and i have things that help me cope, but it is very temporary, i know i’ll break apart and the next panic attack is just a matter of time away (a matter of VERY short time). i don’t know what i need at this moment but i would just love for anyone who’s been through what i’ve been through to write whatever they want to. i just need a reminder i’m not completely alone, even though we all technically are alone forever.