Am I the only one ? Strange feeling
Hello there,
I was wondering if I'm the only one with a particular feeling, who really make me feel insane. I'm pretty depressed, I don't see a therapist anymore, it was useless, but I take light antidepressants.
Everyday, since months, I have this feeling, multiples times per day sometimes, with a clear image and sensation of holding a gun and using it against myself. For a second, less sometime, time stop, I can feel the movement of my arm, of my finger pressing the trigger, the weight of the weapon in my hand... which is ridiculous since I've never hold a real gun loaded. But it feel real, I don't know how to explain this better. It's like a flash, brief and violent.
I have suicidal thought, but I'm fighting really hard against it, I don't want to hurt anybody I love, even if I feel that it won't be a big lose for them sometimes. I'm scared by this feeling/sensaton/image/whatever it is because when it happen, I feel relief, and regretful that there no easy way to get a gun in my country. I don't control it, I have no idea where this is from and it really make me feel like I'm losing my mind. I feel really stupide talking about that but it's starting to really worry me.
So, is there someone else who experiment this ? What can I do ?
Sorry to be so dramatic and pessimistic, thank you for taking the time to read.
@Fluffheart
Hi! I am sorry to hear you are facing all this. You don't have to be sorry for expressing your feelings. I just want to appreciate you for being brave to fight your suicidal thoughts and not giving in to them.
Sometimes, our thoughts can be so strong that they create images that are vey realistic. It may be confusing and scary. I would suggest you to please talk to another therapist if you feel that the previous one was useless. Not everyone is the same.
And please contact the suicide helpline of your country. I am sure they would be better equipped with this and will be able to help you immediately.
Please feel free to PM me or any other listener here if you want to talk :)
@Fluffheart
Thanks for reaching out about your strange feeling. I'm sorry to hear you're having such frightening thoughts. They sound very invasive and scary. It is very hard to say what that strange feeling is without the advice of a professional like a psychologist or psychiatrist.
You mentioned that you take antidepressants for depression. Some people have similar strange thoughts to you which are scary, violent, and out of their control, and they can get medical treatment which reduces or helps to stop those invasive thoughts completely. If it's worrying you, you can always visit a psychiatrist to see if they get prescribe you that medication (or psychologist depending on where you live) :)
You do not need to go to therapy if you dislike it, but there may be medicine which you can take for it if you tell the doctor about the strange feeling like you've shared with us. It may come as a pill or some people get regular injections for it too, so you can check with your doctor. Good luck!
@Fluffheart I'm not an expert, but that sounds like intrusive thoughts/images? If I were you I'd ask your psychiatrist about it and see what they say. You're definitely not alone on this feeling, though. Any doctor I've had to talk to about my suicidal thoughts asked me about this, so it must be fairly common.