Bad days and good days
Thursday, two weeks ago, I suddenly had a good day, but I was slightly afraid the entire time that it would slip away. I didn't have a wedge or a block in my chest, I was crying every half an hour, and I could hear birds outside and I could enjoy the blossoms and I actually ate. But I was right to be afraid because when I got home, the heaviness returned during dinner. Two weeks later, and I couldn't leave my bed for food or basic hygiene. My medication wasn't working. I didn't know if therapy was helping. I needed to be in charge of something, so I chopped all my dirty, matted hair off and decided to do my laundry however difficult it was. Then I went to work with the appropriate attitude and a clean sweater and patchy hair.
Hi @PetuliaE! It is great that you wrote about your feelings. Describing your emotions is the most healthy way to manage them - proud of you that you reach out to us.
Recovery is a challenging process. It is never a simple montage of "being depressed - going to a doctor - feeling better". It is a long and tiresome road, bendy and full of obstacles. Sometimes you make 5 steps forward, sometimes only one, and sometimes you backtrack. Not a lot of people are talking about it but the truth is recovery requires a lot of perseverance in mundane activities. It requires grit and hope and sometimes just plain stubbornness.
And when you do have good moments, it is normal to feel suspicious of them. You were living so much time in the total darkness, those glimpses of light must be an illusion, right? Still, give yourself a credit. You are taking such good care of yourself. Those are the first signs that your health is improving.
What you are doing is enough, lovely. Just do not give up. Keep taking your medicine and following your therapy. Keep going to your doctor and waking up each day with the hope that today will be one of those good days. Focus on stretching those good minutes. Soon you will have good hours, then days, then weeks and months and years. This struggle is worth it. You are worth it.
Sending you all of my strength to help you survive the hardest moments this weekend.
*hugs*