Breaking the cycle
So I have this sister who is 20, lives with my dad(we have different mothers) and a year ago today we made amends, we got close but by mid April she started acting different, very out of character. I now found out I have abandonment issues from my LCSW, so the first sign of her becoming distant I panicked(on the inside). We gradually stopped hanging out but before that she said some interesting things like "I like who you are, you better not change when you get a gf" and "you give me space, sometimes too much space" . She would always drop that though when I would question why we don't spend time together, I actually had never been as vocal about my feelings with anyone as much as her. I was seeing the LCSW for depression. I'm trying to get out of my narcissitic mothers place, I'm 34 I need to live my own life! My sister knew this, she wanted to live with me to get away from my dad, I wanted her with me anyways but this change happened. She told me she gets drunk and smokes weed, this is the stuff she felt comfortable telling me, I can only imagine what she's not. I told her I made her a priority and didn't feel like one back(she once said I was one) now she says she doesn't know how to because she's selfish. I decided to treat her the same way she treated me. I pulled back on everything. She didn't like that and deactivated her fb, a week later reinstates it, deletes me, then deactivates it again, then a month later makes a new fb page and blocks me. It hurt, it's been hurting for a while. With abandonment issues it's like your souls been cut. I miss her but can't force her to want to be in my life. Come to find out she has a new bf, guess it was right around the time she changed. I find it odd she didn't want me to change but she did, guilty conscious? Anyways I tell myself "when she unblocks me I'll block her! Show her!" Or "if she messages me I won't answer!" But really I love her and when I did to her what she did to me I can tell it hurt her just like it did me, if she was to come back maybe I should just open my arms and welcome her back, show her love and forgiveness and loyalty. Thing is I don't want to be a doormat, I don't want to feel that feeling of not being a priority again. I want to break the cycle that's hurt us but I'm worried I'll get abandoned again.
At the end of the day, we have our family... No matter how difficult these people are... No matter how we don't get along... No matter how distant and separate we might be from them. I'd say, continue to show your love. You already know you love your sister. You already know you might regret not giving her another chance. So why not? Give her another chance. Show her what she means to you. Getting back at her solves nothing... And might just push you away from each other. I don't think you want that.
Well, you might also get hurt again... But, hurt is love's unfortunate partner-in-crime. Personally, I think we feel a range of emotions for someone because at the beginning of it all, there was love. So when emotions run high, why not love? Plus, I know I'll sleep better at night knowing I did what was best for my relationship with the person I love.
But be careful to pull back, though, when it starts becoming toxic.
@melissajane thank you so much! :) it does hurt still, I think we're both hurting but when you said its because it begins with you loving them, it means a lot to think my sister did love me. When she comes back I'll be waiting :)
For years, my relationship with my mother has been a one way street. She's always too busy to call and often when I called her, she'd have to go, say she'd call me back, but wouldn't. Also, she never invited me over to her house. In the meantime, she's cooking special meals for a distant relative and connecting with all kinds of other people. Sometimes, I would think, "If I don't contact her, I wonder how long it will take before she even is aware." If felt like I could drop off of the face of the planet and it wouldn't matter.
A little over a year ago, she moved to another state. So, obviously, she's not coming over anymore. Last time she was home, she took me shopping. I know that is how she shows love, but I feel like she thinks she can buy my love.
Somehow, miraculously, it doesn't hurt anymore. I call her, on occasion, when there is news, like recently, my daughter hit a deer with the car. I can tell she's "trying". At the same time, nothing has really changed because she can't even remember to call me unless she wants something.
I've come to realize that she is a very broken person. She's always looking for affirmation. So many people just think she is wonderful. So be it. I believe she is incapable of sustaining a "real" relationship. Often, it is not so much about us, but the other person.
@colourfulHoney66 I'm sorry to hear about your mother, I wish I could give advice but I don't know what to say. My mom only sees money in me and my dads gone on record saying he wished I was dead or I don't exist. My sister on my dads side was the one person who I thought got me, I don't know what caused the change in her or if she was being fake with me but it's the worst abandonment pain I've ever been in. I cry often. I wonder if she's felt anything. I mean I guess she has, she must hurt too, she did all that crazy stuff on Facebook. Maybe it hurts her to see me. Then again it's just me guessing. I just wish we could shake sense into those people and go "you're my family! I love you and care about you! Don't you get that?!" Then again you can't force someone to do anything, you can only hope one day they will realize it.
@Ocelot1028 As I said in my post, often it is the brokenness of the other person, not something about us. I suspect that you are young. I am an older woman with 7 children of my own and 7 grandchildren. I pour my life into them, my church, and my neighbors. We can only be responsible for our side of the equation. It is difficult to let these things "go" but I pray, in time, you will find healthy, fulfilling relationships. I know that no one replaces your parents, but at my age, I know my mother won't be around forever. My dad just died in July. I'm looking toward the future.
@colourfulHoney66 I'm sorry to hear that about your father passing. I guess I do having a hard time letting her go. I had to when she was born, my dad wouldn't let me see her, then when she was 17/18 my dad wouldn't let her see me for 3 years, last year we finally said forget it and we bonded like I knew we would. Now......this time...the 3rd time....was by her choosing. It kills me to have to teach myself all over again to get over my sister, someone I fought so hard to get in my life twice before. Thanks for the prayers, it's going to take me a while to heal. I don't know how long, it hurts a lot. I'm 34 now, I don't want to have to wait another 17 years to see her and when/ if I do she won't be that same sweet kid/teen I knew last year, then again within 6 months she already changed.
@Ocelot1028 I can see why you are having such a struggle. Is she your only sibling?
@colourfulHoney66 no I have 5 sisters and 2 bothers, my parents remarried and each had 3 kids. I have an older brother too. My older brother doesn't talk to me because of my mom. Sure my mom has done a lot of bad but I can't just go zero contact, I can't just be mean to her, I want to move and all but he didn't want me talking to her period. So he got my moms oldest daughter to stop talking to me, he got aunts, uncles, cousins to block me on Facebook. So that's 2 siblings that don't speak to me.....it's ok I let them go. I have two sisters on my dads side that don't speak to me(not including the one I was close with) the oldest has talked to me since my dad got involved) she's had me blocked for years. The youngest stopped talking to me over the summer, she said she felt force to talk to me, it's ok I let them go. The two youngest on my mothers side are only close to eachother, they speak to me but we aren't close. The one I was close with is the middle girl on my dads side. When we got back in each others lives I finally felt that I had a sibling that I was close with. She's a lot like me even though we don't have the same mother. She seemingly cared about me. She said I wouldn't have to go through life alone. I believed her. Now that she's gone that makes all 3 of my dads daughters that won't speak to me. With her though the pain is there, I can't let go. I've let so many others go without a fight, but when she was beginning to leave I panicked on the inside. It's been months but I can't deal with it. If you loved someone, if you knew what my family put me through how could you leave? I'd never do that to her. She once asked me when we were planning on living together "what if you have a gf who doesn't want me living with you?" I said "she wouldn't be my gf, you're with me now, I've spent long enough without you, we take care of eachother now, it's a package deal, she doesn't accept you, she doesn't accept me". She smiled. She also has a form of autism and epilespy. She can't drive yet. Just hurts more. The drugs, the alcohol, why? Plus she knew what I was going through, she cried once for what I had to go through. I did when I found our years ago our father hit her. We were suppose to help eachother, I don't get it. Was it her friends or new bf or the drugs/alcohol?
@Ocelot1028 I am so sorry you have suffered, due to a broken family. I only have one sister, but my parents split for a good number of years, so I know what that is like. I have a son who is a recovering heroin addict. He spent most of his adult life in prison. Trust me, drugs keep people from having a normal life and normal family relationships. Again, I am sorry.
@colourfulHoney66 thank you, I'm sorry for your family problems too, I wish the people who were alcoholics or drug addicts knew how much it hurt us on the outside you know. I told my sister "you know what alcohol turned dad into, you know what he did to your mom, my mom, you, etc do you really want to take the same stuff he did?" Of course she is doing it for fun he wasnt(whatever that means). I loved my life so my kids and siblings could learn from it, I also didn't want to turn into my father.
Alcoholics often become alcoholics, or marry one. Same for drug addicts, sex addicts, you name it. And thus, the crazy cycle usually continues! Hope, for your sake and your children's sake, you can break the cycle.
@colourfulHoney66 I've never been drunk, never smoked, never gotten high and sex, I'm still a virgin, when I do sleep with a woman if I got her pregnant I'd have no intentions of leaving, that's what's stopped me from sleeping around
@Ocelot1028 I'm glad you have used your situation as a learning experience. Hopefully, you won't marry someone, though, who ends up being, doing, the things you mentioned. It's not always easy to spot. Take it from someone who knows.
@colourfulHoney66 looks like there's a lot of cycles for me to break, kind of an unofficial theme to my life
@colourfulHoney66
Uh, not to be the one to rain on the caring party here but- Have you even read his post? He wants to make up with an adopted sister not get out of substance abuse or related situations XD
Never mind, I apologise, I just read your above conversation. Just thought I'd post anyway to dunno, let my honesty show X) Sorry about your mother too. Again, not as worse but I think your words about mothers one of those more obvious "other person" situations fits really well. We can change us but hell if we can change them. So now it's more about being a document wrapping image than trying to find a place on the piece of paper that is them. Uh, now I'm talking in office suite terms. All the best.
I guess that is true of all of us, to one degree or another. Ever heard of the book, A Child Called It? Wow! Talk about things to overcome.
@colourfulHoney66 I haven't read that but I'm reading a book called "the journey from abandonment to healing" very good, a lot of life long problems and patterns I now see because of this book.
@Ocelot1028 Abandonment is a big issue.There are loads of videos by Family Tree Counseling on youtube about this subject, if you're interested.
@colourfulHoney66 thank you, I'll check it out, susan anderson(author of the book I'm reading) does videos on YouTube for it, she's amazing. I love how now I know what's wrong with me, like it has a name so now it can be treated. I'm hopeful now
I've had this thread bookmarked a while now. Aside from life, it's hard to formulate a reply. First I had the pleasure to read another extremely raw account of feeling neglected or less loved by a a much loved family member. Sibling. Even sister. As in, what would I say? Oh yeah we're the same, oh how much we are the same?
No advice other than to ride out. Though I would argue your situation is both worse and better than mine on different levels. Of course it would be. Another thing is, siblings are those kids you fight with, bring the house down with you while at it- and then entirely carry on life the next day. "Butter with your toast?", "i did do that but!" "...I want some of those lollies too." and "No, take your shit out first.", "For the last time, don't use my printer!"
If you guys were that close, the possibility that the blocking is nothing but a statement grows. Perhaps even a forgotten one. You can be the first re-icebreaker or you can extend the fasting to so long its uncomfortable. Why am I talking in so many food terms today? All the best.
@imaginativeDrum sorry about the late reply, my ipad wasnt being nice! anyways thank you for replying, means a lot. so you have a similar story? I'd love to hear about it. I take it you grew up with your sibling. unfortunately my dad wouldnt let me see my 3 sisters until I found them on facebook. yeah I agree, I have to let it go and if it comes it comes if it doesnt it doesnt. I've been reading a abandonment book which has helped out a lot, seeing a lcsw, and talking to you awesome people on here, so its helped lessen the blow. I wish I knew what caused it all, I dont know. I wish I knew why she decided to block me rather than talk to me, I can only assume that she feels hurt in some way or maybe she is ashamed of something, I dont know. as for if or when she comes back into my life(if she ever does) I dont know how I will react, I can only know what I'll do today.
funny youre talking about food, I am making bacon right now, just got off work and am super hungry!
@Ocelot1028
You're late? Ya serious. Saturday vs. two days ago. Hmm. Today is what, Tuesday. Here anyway. That means you replied tha day after. I usually don't even until half the week. Or not at all even. That said, I'll share my story over PM. Forums are a little too permanent for my taste and these are extra raw parts of myself. Though as said before, that is why I hemmed and hawed yet wanted to post to your thread.
My situation is indeed one where I grew up with the sibling. What advice could I possibly offer right? But I also and often feel majorly jilted. Of no reason other than perhaps, my own psychology. Which is where we currently align paths. We love them, we want them back. In ways they are currently closed to us. Outside me and my non-woes, how has the situation progressed? Are there other ways you can or will know her outside of facebook? If you love her, can you not make your apology a public one to ensure she does see it? Do your parents share beef? Why are grown adults not allowed to see their own grown adult siblings..? I have extra cause to add on to that if you care to hear. But it's not really sibling-related so eh.
Oops, assumed a bit there to fit the desperation context. Can you not make your request to talk to her again, possible without having to let the rest of the world in too? Oh those days of fighting with a friend and having to pass notes to make up in class and yet everybody who 'helps' reads them too of course... Sigh. Lol. Though I know that sounds even more desperate, at least it's done, you did your part, sure that eventually she will see it if she at all cares anymore and you don't have to do any more. A plan is better than forever limbo. Though that's only my two cents, that would be what I'd do. Once I got the courage to stick it out there that is, hah.
Was the bacon good? I need foodie recommendations for a friend at 7c. :) Bacon, the goto food of the internets. And I recommended peanuts. *headdesk* Catch you later, all the best with work, lunch and her.
@imaginativeDrum I wrote her a while back, I didn't apologize as much as I said "I don't know what happened to us but I love you, miss you, and want to talk to you sometime" I felt I left the ball in her court. Although there's days like today where I think to myself if she wanted to come back in my life that I wouldn't let her. I've learned to just let the feelings ride out of me, instead of with holding or blocking them I let myself feel them. It was good in a way because I didn't allow myself to carry all the blame. She wasn't that great of a person a few months before she exited. She lied, stole things(not from me) gets drunk, gets high, if that were anyone else I'd have a clear case to just not want them in my life. She's special though so I hope she can find the strength to overcome those "demons", I'm facing mine right now which is abandonment issues. Been a problem so long I thought that was just who I was, didn't even know it had a name. Now I can treat it. I do think my sister reads my twitter page but after a while I took down tweets pertaining to her. I think she should come to me when/ if she ever gets ready. She's the one who left and she's the one who blocked. I know she could be in pain over our falling out, but I'd hope she would want to work on it with me. We all have our probs but we are suppose to be there for eachother. On the plus side though is I'm learning to be there for myself. I wrote you a pm, let me know what you think. Ttyl