Stuck in the Past & Feeling Hopeless
I've been personally dealing with feeling numb to the problems that life are throwing my way. I'm only nineteen, and I wonder if I'll even be able to make it to twenty. There's so many chapters left unfinished or purely unopened in my life. I was planning on doing so many things in my life after accomplishing a huge personal achievement, which was losing one hundred pounds. I used to feel as if my life was uncontrolable, but the year prior to this pandemic I worked my ass off to lose one hundred pounds, get a car, and start attending college full time. With this pandemic, all of my achievements seemed to have been thrown out of the window alongside my controlled eating habits. I thought I had everything together... my life seemed too good to be true. I've started coping with my reappearance of depression through binge eating again, so I've unfortunatley gained about thirty pounds back. It's just an endless cycle of binging and restricting. It's getting to the point where I don't even want to be alive anymore because of it. Every time I do it, I know that it's affecting my ability to be as healthy as I possibly can. If I don't do something now, my chances of even finding love after this whole pandemic is slim to none as well. I've never been confident enough in myself to try to pursue a romantic relationship. I wonder if I'll ever get the opportunity to meet someone that could greatly impact my life and change me for the better. I want things to happen naturally, but society makes love feel so forced through social media and aplications like Tinder. I understand there's someone out there for everyone, but it just feels as if I'm meant to be alone. I don't want to come across as some heartless monster that hasn't experienced love or what it feels to be loved, but when I look in the mirror that's the only thing that I can envision. Again, I know that in order to love someone you need to love yourself first. Before this whole situation, I felt as if I truly loved myself... I even promised myself that this summer was going to be different. I was going to be the social butterfly that I've always wanted to be. I was going to take a risk and go on my first date... even have my first kiss. I was where I wanted to be in life, but now everything is just crumbling apart before my eyes. I just regret so much to the point where I feel like there's no way that life will ever be well again. I shouldn't have waited so long to start living life because now it appears as if there's no sense of living at all. I know this is defintely overshaing, but I figured this could be an appropriate outlet. If anyone ends up reading this, feel free to respond with how your mental health and life has been impacted during this time. I just want to connect with people who are struggling with similar feelings. Maybe, through all of this, we can help eachother.
@miley4567 First off, congratulations on reaching those goals you set for yourself! This pandemic may be a bit of a set back, but don't beat yourself up too hard for something that's out of your control. Remember to give yourself credit for the things you have done. I know it's easy to dismiss the things you've done in the past or even day to day. But you had set a goal for yourself, and you even met it! That's huge! On the subject of love, you're right, you should learn to love yourself. Your weight shouldn't determine your worth. Keep up the healthy habits of food and exercise, but you should also learn to accept yourself for who you are and how you are built. When you find someone to love and who loves you in return, your weight shouldn't be a problem. They should love you for you and who you are on the inside, as well as the few extra pounds. All that means is there's more of you to love, and any one who truly loves you should see it it that way. When you look at yourself in the mirror and imagine the person who would love you, you should use that to love yourself in return. Imagine they are saying all these wonderful things to you, that you are loved and you are beautiful and deserving of these things. Then tell yourself that. If it's hard to tell yourself that, sometimes it's easier to pretend someone else is there telling you those things instead of "coming from you", though it really is coming from you. Somewhere inside yourself you believe these things, and if you have to manifest a projected image of your dream significant other to tell yourself these things to feel like you can truly accept them and believe them, then that's just another coping mechanism. Sometimes I have to imagine I'm talking to a friend or family member, so I am not so harsh on myself... Like "what would so-and-so say to me" or "would so-and-so also believe these things". It's a healthy way to mind of do a reality check when you're being too down and negative on yourself. If other people who care about you wouldn't say or believe these negative things, than why should you? I would personally suggest staying off those dating websites and apps, I never found anything good out of them... But if you have better experiences with them,don't let me stop you. I think you'll find someone, perhaps not in the ways your looking or thinking you will... But I believe you'll find someone someday, perhaps by chance of accident, when you're least expecting it... It often works out that way, at least in my personal experiences. Perhaps there's already someone out there who has a secret crush on you, you may never know! Keep trying, keep your chin up, and don't worry too much about the things that are out of your hands... This pandemic has effected everyone's lives, it can be scary, but remember that you are not alone! I hope you have a good support group around you, or will find the support you need! You'll make it, I promise, just remember to stay positive as best as you can!
@cryptix I definetly appreciate the positivity that you brought into my perspective today. I know I'm awfully hard on myself, so hopefully one day I can learn to relax a little and enjoy life for what it's worth. I'm still in the process of finding myself, but I've learned that patatience is key when it comes to soul searching and manifesting the person that you visualize in your own head. I'll definitly try to realign my thought process in order to make it through this. Again, I very much appreciate you taking the time to read this and respond so kindly. It was exactly what I needed to hear. If you're stuggling with anything feel free to share whenever you'd like.
@miley4567 No problem! And thank you! Keep taking care of yourself ✌❤
