What does a depressed person need/want?
Ive been dating my boyfriend for over 2 years... He has had some issues he struggled with prior to the beginning of our relationship but about 6 months in, he had a whole slew of unfortunate events involving negative people and family members that I think really started to cloud his mind. He slowly but surely slipped into depression.
We lived together and then out of no where, he told me that he thought I would be better off without him. He said not to take it personally, which is very hard to do. But he admits that he has been/is depressed and he feels like he's dragging me down. I'm trying to be understanding and give him the space he's asked for.
I've started to move my things out and am staying somewhere else right now. In our last few conversations he's said that he feels he's 'not worth it' and that he feels toxic and that I shouldn't be around it. He told me that he felt guilty about being depressed around me and that he couldn't deal with both the depression and the guilt of being depressed at the same time. I tried to let him know he had no reason to feel guilty and that I loved him before his depression, I love him now and I love who he will be once he's through it.
There are a few things I'm concerned about and I'm trying to figure out/understand the delicate balance of offering support but also giving him space.
A lot of the issues stem from his family and he truly doesn't have anyone in his family that will be there for him. He has a few friends but he told me that he doesn't feel like he has 'real' friends. They probably won't do much to reach out to him and aren't even aware of some of the stuff he's dealing with. So what worries me is that he doesn't have any type of support system. I told him that when a depressed person pushes themselves into isolation, it's usually not very good for them.
I still have some things at his house and we have had a few conversations since the break up about his depression. We ended the conversations crying, hugging, saying 'I love you' and then I've granted him the space he wants.
I've asked/insisted for him to see a therapist, just so he can speak to a professional that might be able to help him sort through some of the issues that seem to be weighing on him. Today, he seemed more into that idea than previously.
So my main question:
1. As his ex-gf but also (literally) the only person who's been supportive, what is the right balance of giving him space and support?
Speaking as a depressed person, space is a funny thing. It's different person to person, but I don't know him, so I'll use myself. I know that most of the time I just want somebody to make me feel like I'm not a burden, but that they don't want to drop me or smother me. So generally, I would suggest you just try to let him know you care for him. Try not to force him into doing things, but offer to have him/any mutual friends you two have go out somewhere. Or you and him. Just letting him know you care enough to want him to go places with him. Even if he turns it down, he should know you're trying to let him know you care.
Thank you for the input. I just want to be sure he doesn't get to a really low point and feel like he has no one. I'm going to refrain from trying to talk him every day, because I don't want him to feel like I'm not respecting his space. I was thinking of just reaching out to him periodically and asking if he wants to go do something (maybe in a week or two) low key, no pressure...like go bowling.
Things didn't exactly end on a bad note with us... Mostly just sad. There's still a lot of love there but he think he needs to deal with it on his own. And I hope for his sake that it is what he needs.
I think that's a good idea. It's wonderful that you care enough to help him.
I commend you for trying to help and reaching out to others on how to help. The only (semi) intelligent thing I can say is to let him know you care about him. Let him know it is a strength to look for help, not a weakness. Remind him to be gentle, kind, and patient to himself. Let him know that you care about him just the way he is.
Be strong.
Thank you for the advice. I, of course, care about him a lot. I have so much love for him. I've been trying to learn as much about depression as I can because it's a hard thing to understand from the outside. I've tried to let him know I love him as he is, depressed or not. I just worry about him and want him to feel more himself again...wish I had all the answers.
I'm fortunate to have come across your thread and say something semi-intelligent. Perhaps couples therapy would help? I don't really know. I've suffered from depression & anxiety since I'm a little boy. My wife only went to therapy a couple of times, when she thought something effected her. ;)
All that aside, I'd be more than happy to speak with your and attempt and untangling the mess of emotions you must be feeling. I'll give you one guess as to what my gmail address is ;)
Continue to be strong and remember to take care of yourself. You are unable to help if you don't take care of yourself. Treat yourself with caring, compassion and patcience.
Things have actually been pretty good between us. He's just been struggling and despite my effort to be supportive, understanding and patient he still seems to think he needs to deal with things on his own. But based on what he's said, he feels guilty bring depressed around me and thinks I'd be better off. I've told him over and over that the guilt he feels is unnecessary and that I'm still fine. I've told him I WANT to be here for you, I WANT to help.
I worry that he's pushing out the only supportive/positive person in his life (possibly subconsciously) so he can slip further into depression and isolation without feeling bad about it, because there's no one there to see it. Does that make sense?
I want to respect his space, as he's said he feels that's what he needs right now in order to focus on himself. As I've said above, he's told me that he feels depressed and also guilty about being depressed around me. I've reiterated many times that I don't see it that way and I WANT to help and support. I've also mentioned above how he literally has no one - many (if not all) of his struggles are associated with his family and negative, toxic people in his family. None of his friends are aware of his issues and would probably not reach out to him even if they were aware. I have literally been the single person in his life that has been with him through the turmoil and stuck by his side and supported him throughout.
My Worry is that he has no one, and has pushed me away so he can sink further into his depression.
I'm happy to give him the space he desires if it is going to help him focus and sort things out that have weighed him down. I guess I'm wondering, would attempting at a sort of 'friendship' with him be beneficial? Like, no talking to him about a romantic relationship... I'm already moving out into a new place after we lived together for almost 2 years. That's already a significant change of space and relationship. And as I've said previously, things didn't really end badly. We are on good terms, you could say, as our last conversation we had, we discussed him getting a therapist and we held hands as we cried, he told me he loved me and I told him the same. I told him I'd still be here for him. And we hugged a LOT before I left. Haven't spoken to him since, as I am trying to respect this space thing he wants.
What do you think about me sending him random texts (not every day) about either something funny or just anything random and unrelated to us, our relationship, or whatever.... Much like friends would text each other. Just basically as an attempt to show him I still care and think about him. And I can be a friend, too. Or inviting him to go do something like go bowling or meet somewhere to watch a football game.
I don't want him to feel pressured or guilty for being depressed around me. If it would be beneficial if like to show him that by offering little breaks from what I assume is almost complete social isolation. Low key, stress free, romantic relationship free... Just being someone that cares and wants to see him happy and feeling himself again.
Would love some thoughts about whether any part of that sounds like it would be beneficial.
I think that any way you can stay connected with him is great almost essential. I like your random text idea. I wish I could think of something else. Is there anyone he respects that could suggest he look for assistance?
I wish there was someone else for him. But essentially, no... His entire family (including brothers, sister, parents) are basically the source of his mental hang-ups. I would describe them mostly as selfish, negative and toxic. They seemed to always take advantage of him even before shit hit the fan. (Pardon my French).. And his friends have no idea about any of it because he doesn't feel he can talk/connect with them. They're mostly immature guys, in my opinion, but I wouldn't say they're bad people. I just don't think they will do much to help him or reach out to him.
There is potentially one person though, that I can think of. But it's a little complicated. This guy that I have in mind that might be able to connect with him has been through a lot of terrible things himself, but is also very very close to my (now) ex's brother (a huge source of the issues)... BUT both myself and my ex were once very close to him as well. Neither of us have spoken to this guy in a while but I know he's gone to therapy himself. So he could potentially shed some light on the benefits of therapy? I just worry he would say something to his good friend/my ex's brother and cause something unnecessary to happen from that. Know what I mean?
You are clearly not in an easy position-- between a rock and a hard place. Be sure to take care of yourself while you are on this voyage.
All I can say is not to give up. Whatever it takes. Whenever.
I do like the idea of sending the odd text. Kind of hard to be angry / upset / depressed during the moment you see a picture of a rabbit with a pancake on its head. Never discount what a moment outside of the sadness can mean.
Yes it's definitely a challenge. I'm at least grateful that we are able to still connect. I sent him a little message late yesterday, I felt the need to after I remembered it was his brother's birthday. I wasn't sure what kind of mood he was in or how he was feeling but I felt like just making sure he knew I would be here (again). His reaction was positive. I told him that this was obviously a struggle for me because I love him and care about him but I understand this is what he feels like he needs right now. I told him I just wanted to see him happy and feeling himself more than anything and that I wanted to be here for him in whatever way I can be. He reciprocated, saying he loved me and my support meant a lot and that he was sorry that this is what it's come to for now. He said he felt like he couldn't give me what I deserve right now, and it made him feel guilty... And that he just needs to focus on getting through the depression w/out the guilt about being depressed. I of course told him, like I've said dozens of times, that he doesn't need to feel guilty about being depressed.
Still going to do what I can to get him to a therapist but I'll give him at least a few days of space before I check up with him/reach out to him again.
Thank you you for the replies/input. It's all very helpful as I try better to understand depression and how to be the right kind of support.
All of the following is just my opinion. Your mileage may vary. 
Let him know that you care about him just the way he is and there is no 'time line' laid out. All you care about is his happiness so the two of you can grow. As long as he is going on the right track (and not going backwards-- anything destructive) you plan to be with him for the long haul and are not worried about how 'fast' he is moving.
Let him know he will have days where he doesn't make progress, or falls back a bit; that's ok-- you'll still be there.
Let him know that he's in charge of his progress and can 'direct' you to helping him.
Do you think any of this makes sense?
BTW, if you'd ever like to email, I'll give you one guess as to my gmail account given my 7 Cups name ;).
J-
Thank you for all the advice and input. I think it makes perfect sense. I think what you suggested will be very helpful.
When I spoke to him yesterday, among other things, I told him that I cared about him and that I want to help and be there for him, and none of that would change. He had some positive responses to that, saying it meant a lot, he really appreciates, he loves me and he's sorry that this is how he feels it needs to be right now. I made sure to let him know again, not to feel guilty or bad about anything, I love him and want more than anything to see him happy.
I think I'll give him a couple of days and then reach out to him. I don't want him to feel any pressure about our relationship, as it could just be unnecessary stress for him right now. For now I'm just happy to be here for him as a friend and I think you hit the nail on the head up there^... Will be sure to communicate this type of support to him.
To me, it sounds like you are approaching this in a way that is working. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for you to not just pick up the phone, or show up on his door step.
How are you keeping your sanity? Do you have a 'support system' for you? I'm sure you realize that Flight Attendants tell you to put your oxygen mask on before your child's is because if you pass out, you can be of no help to your child.
Keep your oxygen mask on...or at least close at hand. Yes it's ok to make his needs important, but don't forget yourself! He is quite fortunate to know you. I feel quite fortunate to have come across your posts.
This is absolutely a struggle, believe me. It's been hard.. I really miss him and I worry about him. And I am absolutely fighting myself from calling him or texting him pretty regularly. But I really do care about him. He's got a great heart and he always tries to do the right thing, and I've seen some really terrible things happen to him. He's understandably having a really hard time with it... But for me, I'd honestly rather see him happy again, and work towards that than... Be in Paris with a supermodel right now. (Haha... But seriously.) If I were in Paris with a supermodel, my mind would be back here with him anyway. So, to me, it's completely worth it.
It can be really hard, like right now... To reach out to him. I should probably refrain though, right?
^ *meant to say it's very hard to not reach out to him. But I should refrain from making daily contact for right now... Right?
You can always send him a silly picture. (There might be a silly picture on the internet ;) If you search hard, I bet you can find one ;). After you send the pic you can ask him to let you know if he feels like he need a bit more space.
Ended up sending him a funny gif last night I thought he'd enjoy... Went over well. We ended up texting for a few minutes about just a couple random/funny things. And he actually sent me a text early this morning about some more random things... And we text'd back and forth again for a few. He seemed relatively okay but also mentioned he hasn't been getting much sleep the last few days.
Its certainly still not easy but I'm grateful that the communication lines seem pretty open. I'm glad for that, but still trying to limit it for right now (Unless he were to reach out to me, of course)...Just don't want to be 'smothering' him or anything and try to respect that he asked for some space. Will be checking up with him for sure within the next day or two to see where he's at with finding a therapist.
It's lovely to hear that you don't stop fighting for him and want to help and support him. I suffer from depression myself and I can relate to his feeling you described. I didn't have a boyfriend during my hardest time last year but one of my teachers was really caring. Although she helped my a lot I always felt like I'm taking her time and I'm not worth her but she kept telling me it's not that way and that she is here for my and I can talk to her whenever I need to, I could even email her and got a quick answer every time. She showed my that I can trust her and that she's happy to help.
Just being available to talk and listen is probably something he needs most. If you offer him that and tell him that he's no burden to you I hopefully will trust you. Speaking for myself I know it's hard to accept it but if you see how loving the other person can be you sometimes are so happy to have a special one to talk to.