When are you too old to change?

As usual I woke at 4am, yanked away from slumber by the weight of anxiety.  A fail safe switch that was flipped by my sub-conscious to protect my consciousness from potentially seeing what lies beneath.  It has taken 52 years for me to realize the root cause of it all, and last night when I woke the switch stayed on and the illumination was immense.  I have never been wanted and understood it from  before birth.  I am the child that represented the solution to my parents problems and the solution did not work.

I am now in my second marriage and have realized and recognized the death spiral it is in and how it relates to my history.  To be abandoned by your parents before birth, that’s a weird concept.  Hey here I am living with a women, for just over 10 years who told me, quite recently that she mentally left this union over 8 years ago.  

All that pre-birth prep for an uncertain, and unloving world seems to have come true.  And I thought it was just all the emotional, psychological, physical and sexual abuse in childhood.  Who knew it was actually the abscence of unconditional love and the hollowing out of a child who was not wanted, for all the right reasons.  I was not the solution, I did not solve any issues, I did make things slightly worse and I absorbed all the negative energy of my family dynamic like a sponge that had been squished dry before swelling with the experience of life itself.

Well the  circle seems to be almost complete as I ask the question - is there an age where you just accept and stop fighting, or do you never give up in the pursuit of happiness and keep the foot on the gas?

I have to admit, at this age, and with this long of a fight I am getting a little tired, and I feel like I am still in pretty good shape-HA!

LET ME KNOW, IF YOU DARE1