When are you too old to change?
As usual I woke at 4am, yanked away from slumber by the weight of anxiety. A fail safe switch that was flipped by my sub-conscious to protect my consciousness from potentially seeing what lies beneath. It has taken 52 years for me to realize the root cause of it all, and last night when I woke the switch stayed on and the illumination was immense. I have never been wanted and understood it from before birth. I am the child that represented the solution to my parents problems and the solution did not work.
I am now in my second marriage and have realized and recognized the death spiral it is in and how it relates to my history. To be abandoned by your parents before birth, that’s a weird concept. Hey here I am living with a women, for just over 10 years who told me, quite recently that she mentally left this union over 8 years ago.
All that pre-birth prep for an uncertain, and unloving world seems to have come true. And I thought it was just all the emotional, psychological, physical and sexual abuse in childhood. Who knew it was actually the abscence of unconditional love and the hollowing out of a child who was not wanted, for all the right reasons. I was not the solution, I did not solve any issues, I did make things slightly worse and I absorbed all the negative energy of my family dynamic like a sponge that had been squished dry before swelling with the experience of life itself.
Well the circle seems to be almost complete as I ask the question - is there an age where you just accept and stop fighting, or do you never give up in the pursuit of happiness and keep the foot on the gas?
I have to admit, at this age, and with this long of a fight I am getting a little tired, and I feel like I am still in pretty good shape-HA!
LET ME KNOW, IF YOU DARE1
@Paulrm
I think at certain ages people often have a awakening maybe not as clear as yours but we see things not as we thought or heard but in a different light that may or may not explain things that transpired in life. I have had more growth ... positive growth./ change . in my 50's then even before. Was you awakening from learning new information or just a reinterpretation....
No i do not think there is a time to be too old for change. while our childhood has parts to define us life choices make the difference .... i see in myself and other people one person who broke free of a type or assumption of because this or that in family or childhood.
Sorry about your marriage .... it is hard to be with anyone whom checked out emotionally ... even if it was not that long when a person loses that emotional bond when they look back it seems longer then it was.... i lost my connection and though i really feel it was only a couple years looking back often in my experience some see it as a longer issue as there is usually not a defining break but a gradual fade ...why did she not speak up or give you the chance to change years ago ... It says something about her pretending and living that way.
do you want to try to revive that connection ? ........can you?
starting over doing same thing would only end the same way ....let go of the idea of this is who you are and open your self up to the idea you can do anything ... an attitude is far more powerful then people give credit for.
@toughTiger6481
Looking back, with perfect vision, I have been ‘on the run’ for about 40 years. Unlucky for me though, I was a great runner. In fact I ran so fast I didn’t seem to pay attention to the direction I was going until I realized I was just doing laps on the track and actually hadn’t gotten anywhere. At this point, stareing at the start line again it is quite demoralizing. Running kept me going, but ultimately returned me to the beginning, just a lot more exhausted than before - phew!
life seems to have been filled with chapters of distraction that have allowed me to keep going while obscuring me from my monstrous dysfunctionality. At this point, however, this survival mechanism seems to have hit a glitch and I seem to have been tripped up by these distractions. So here I am looking at my own issues while recoiling at the way my world is reacting to them. I can just shut up and perceiver or take stock of where/who I am and slow the pace down, way down.
YAY!
@Paulrm
Very good description of running and not realizing it was in a circle. I know you are not alone in that feeling many feel they are running in circle and when they take a moment they see themselves at starting line ...... at any life change maybe the decade birthdays 40/50/60 etc it comes up.
Looking back is never with perfect vision IMO................. just a different view or more context around an item or issue.
Well, your story sounds very familiar, and I'm here at almost 47. I'm doing therapy and realizing my parents, friends, husband, and pretty much everyone in my life gave up on me and not the other way around. I'm a good woman, so I will tolerate my husband's emotional abuse because it's not constant. There's still hope there, and we are in counseling.
Do what's best for you please...anything but give up. You are precious, a beautiful soul, and more important to this World than any horrible people who couldn't see it.
If you ever want to talk, I joke a lot, but I can be serious.
@Warpedme
thanks ‘warped me’! You use the word hope, a quality I am in short supply of. Even though I believe there are no right or wrong decisions here, there are consequences. Now because of my experiences in life I often categorize consequences as always being negative. Because of CPTSD I believe it is usually my fault, and I try to keep a low profile so as not to burden others with my overflowing cup of negative interpretations.
i now believe that this same cup, specifically the overflowing content, can be pointed at as the potential cause of my immediate situation. Solace is taken in the thought that the continuation of the status quo will perpetuate known negative consequences. Whereas breaking the status quo has the potential for great growth and reward………but also great sadness and regret.
my indecision is immense, as you can tell, and that is a a quality that’s holds me in the fear/freeze response. But again thank you for your replay and I wish you luck and fortune with your situation.
Maybe your not as warped as you think-HA!
Oh I'm warped, and we are so similar it's scary. 🤣. I guess you are warped too. I didn't say it was a bad thing.
I'm constantly stuck in that fear)freeze response. I got stuck doing Halloween pumpkins today of all things.
I'm too in desperate need of breaking the status quo. I'm trying to avoid the negative consequences, but sometimes it's not possible. It's a damned If you do damned if you don't kind of situation. Status quo, boring and negative. Brand new exciting and scary as all hello. 😂
Sad is ok. We've been through a lot. That growth is so beautiful it's worth a few tears friend. 😊. Thank you for that luck. Back at ya. 😊
@Warpedme
hope u r well, I have not heard from u in a while, but that’s OK. I will try to find some weird words to share with u Ha!
I'm hanging in there, just busy always. If I'm rude, yell at me please. I like the word sintastic. I kind of made it up. 😂
@Warpedme
very good, I try to re-place the ‘people pleaser’ response with the ‘friend maintenance’ label. The stipulation is that I have to pre-maintain behavior - label people as friend. Hahahahahahahaha!
Take care 👍!
That is very smart. Thank you so much. I'm a people pleaser in the worst way, and even my therapist can't get me to stop it. 😄. I'm new to therapy and things though. She's awesome and so are you.
It just goes to show life experiences can't be learned in a book, and we can always learn from each other. Time with people who truly understand what it's like is invaluable. Have a great day and thank you again. 😊
@Paulrm
Yeah I dare. I was product of a one night stand. Abortion was illegal. My birth mother lost her BF over my conception and drank heavily hoping to induce a miscarriage and get her BF back. I proceeded to be born anyway.
I was then adopted at close to a year old having lived that time in a nursery where my basic needs were met but little love and affection, so I was told. I was adopted by Satanists for use in rituals, and I am able to speak openly about this as my abusers were convicted in a court of law of abusing me.
I have felt this way most of my life, and it is unfair we must fix what others broke, but we must cause no one else will.
I feel for you, wish you well.
That is so terrible. I don't even have words except you didn't deserve any of that, and you are accepted and loved here. 💜😊
@Warpedme thanks for this; appreciate it muchly!! 💜💙
@Warpedme sorry for the late reply I somehow missed this. All fixed now hopefully!
No worries. I miss most things. 🤣 I also get lost often. My therapists say it's fine.
@KindWolf2023
Well then, you have defiantly got me beat here. Although a competition based on dysfunctionality maybe be a bridge too far??!
The effort put forth by so many to appear ‘normal’ is monumental - and we mostly never know. YIKES!
Getting tired of carrying these heavy bags
@Paulrm anything goes.
If you dislike the rules, write your own!
We all get tired sometimes, but there is absolutely no age to stop trying. You deserve every little mini piece of happiness that you can get. @Paulrm
No truer words spoken. Age is but a number. 🤗
Age is any number of things, but it's not just a number..
I deployed that line when I was trying to convince my husband-to-be that 17 years was not an unbridgeable gap. I was in my thirties and convinced of my maturity and wisdom. We knew each other on the soul level, and everything would be all right. It was, for the most part, and for the parts that weren't, I never attributed any of it to age. Now that I'm beyond the age at which my husband died, I can see what concerned him. At 71, I've seen that every decade involves change and/or growth of many kinds, and the farther you are in decades beyond someone else, their just being an adult can't wipe out the changes they haven't been through but you have. That's why we seek out more experienced people when we need knowledge or perspective we don't have but they do. So, as a more experienced person, I can tell you that age, as a number, marks--for yourself and other people--the number of years you've spent accumulating experience, perspective, and maturity. You can't attain maturity, you can only keep growing into it.
I'm just SO wise!
Very true. It is also pretty great that at any age anything new can happen and you can keep learning new stuff. @affableDay5687
@Paulrm oh and I am in my 50's, and older even than you, and I have changed a lot so
I DOUBLE DARE you hahahaha
@Paulrm That's a good question...
I dunno. Hypothetically, no one is ever too old to change consciously. In reality I would say that the older you are, the harder it is to pull it off.
Change itself is constant, of course. After we kick the bucket our bodies start changing immediately (& unpleasantly. But then nature is only cute on TV or the Internet). But as for the kind of change you're talking about, well...it's possible. But after a certain age bracket, it would take a lot of effort.
@slowdecline48
Thank you for your wise honesty! I appreciate.
@Paulrm Dunno how wise I am, if at all, but you can depend on my speaking my thoughts honestly. It's gotten me in trouble more than once. 😝
You too? I'm honest to a fault. Sometimes I have to put myself in timeout. 😂
I say things either not appreciated and people want to strangle me or appreciated a wee too much and end up with weirdos following me around in apps. I wish I was making that up. 🤣
People are weirder than me. Who would've thought? I'd say you're wise. Most hellions are. 😊👹
@Warpedme kinda like that I learned to moderate myself people following me around, check MASSIVE check, sigh
🤣🤣🤣. It's not funny it happened to you. I don't feel like I'm losing my mind now at least. I was told people don't get stalked in game apps and things as severely as I have. It didn't even seem real to me. I
hope that craziness didn't happen to you too. 😊. If you have crazy stories, I'm all ears. 😂
There is a great graphic that illustrates this way better than I can say it- a timeline of when change and growth is possible, and it stops, well… when you’re dead. Did then, ABSOLUTELY.
@ForestCompanion777
sure does - ‘the only thing I have to fear, is fear itself’. Death must simply be accepted, not feared. It is inevitable and should bring a motivational component to everything you do. Perhaps what we don’t understand is that change is constant, and inevitable also. We simply fail to recognize it and assume that things are the same!
@Paulrm Cultures that accept death are healthier than those that don't.
My little town has many Mexican residents, or descendants of Mexican families, so we have siesta culture and I am loving it.
Weekends are for relaxing with family. Nothing happens on holidays. Effective work week is Tuesday -- Friday afternoon.
It took time to get used to it; now I really like it.
Mental health here is overall better than average because people rest and play, not just work.
@Paulrm your only to old to give up, or to not change, is when death is at your door.So wait till that to make the most of the life you have and the blessings in your life.. Happiness is not a destination, it's a state of mind. You don't go looking for happiness, you create happiness. Good luck with everything ❤❤ huggs you
@Tinywhisper11 you are correct so completely correct thanks for saying this truth!!
@Paulrm i can relate. Transcending past karma is a challenge, but I believe in change! I believe in you! Finding the teachings in life as useful helps me minimize the mental agony (sometimes physical pain) looking for compassion for myself and those involved, medicine!
Hello Paulrm. Interesting thread. I too am in my 50s and I think it depends on how you define "change". Can you learn strategies and techniques to improve your mental health later in life. Sure. Can you drop a few pounds and get in better shape? Yes. Can you fundamentally change who you are. I would have to say no. Childhood marks all of us, for better or worse. For those of us here, mostly for worse I think. Who we are, how we see the world and relate to it, I think these things are pretty much set. Childhood trauma literally re-wires the brain. Don't get me wrong. I think we can do a lot to help ourselves but we can never change who we are. I think "Disney" thinking has poisoned us into believing that we can do or be anything, if only we set out minds to it and work hard enough. But that is a lie. The hard truth is we can't do anything. We have our limitations. So if you're chasing some "cure" or some dream of overcoming childhood trauma, then these are things you should definitely give up. Just accept that this is the way you are and do your best to work with what you've got. That's my humble opinion, for what it's worth. I wish you peace.
@FrozenGhost
I agree, wise words, very wise! I appreciate your response - Thank u!