Who would you be if you weren't depressed?
~~The reason depression is the worst: It robs you of your identity, potential, self-worth, friends and family. If I was healthy, would I find my place in this world? Would I achieve excellence in a career that is challenging and rewarding? Would I be a super-husband and super-dad, full of energy, love, kindness and patience? Would I be a good friend who calls often to catch up and remembers birthdays? Would I look forward to dinner parties, my kids sports games, camping trips and family get-togethers? Would I be fun to be around, would people want to spend time with me? Would I be a strong person, firmly living according to my own moral standards? Would I be respected by my peers as a man of character?
Unfortunately, Im failing in so many areas of my life right now and everyone around me assumes its because Im a flake, a loser, a jerk, a weirdo, possibly has Asperger etc. I can and want to be so much more than who I am today, but I have been forced to carry a metaphorical pack on my back that weighs me down physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. At first, I was able to rise up against the challenge and impose my will. But as time went on, I became more and more exhausted because this heavy load is on my shoulders every second of the day, day after day after day. Its now imposing its will upon me and destroying everything that lies in my path, especially those closest to me. My wife wont say it, but Im sure it would be easier to live with a spouse with brain-cancer or alzheimers than a spouse with depression. A depressed person in the home casts a shadow that looms over the entire home, everyone feels the heaviness in the atmosphere, you cant escape it. If only it was as simple as telling family and friends why I am the way I am. Why I cant remember friends and family members birthdays, why its so hard for me to pick up the phone, why I avoid social gatherings like the plague, why I havent been to my cousins soccer game in 6 years, why I seem to have an excuse for why I cant attend every bbq my friends invite me to……………. Can anyone relate to this?
I can completely relate to this! Therefore, if I didn't have depression (along with OCD and GAD), I would be in the "relationship of my dreams" with the man I love, have a high GPA, good ACT scores, working longer hours (therefore making more money), friends, a better dancer/ athlete (ballet, jazz, and cheer), and have a stronger relationship with my family. Yes, I know how it feels for this disease to bring one down to the bottom. I haven't been happy or felt slightly happy in seven years. My family thinks i'm selfish, so i'm unintentionally pushing them away. I know- it's confusing, painful, invinsible, and debilitating.
I here ya, imagine if we get well and can live a "normal" life. We'd have so much appreciation for the simple things that healthy people take for granted.
I can identify with this. It's like I'm in mourning for my core self, who is buried underneath all of the extra emotional weight of depression. In some ways, the fact that I am mourning this person is a comfort because I actually feel something. I can actually still get upset, get angry, or cry about this – it's not nothing, so even though these are negative emotions, they are still emotions and remind me that there are still some things left that I can feel.
And I often wish that I could swap this out for a physical ailment, too. Maybe I shouldn't tempt the fates, or be ungrateful, or show so much hubris, but I often wish that I could trade physical immobility for mental immobility. Take my legs but give me back my mind!
I could imagine being normal, having friends, love, Liking things on Facebook, not having to worry about things worse than death every day and living in perfect safety. But I dont want this and never have wanted anything as simple and it might just be a reason im depressed. I need that feeling where you are trying hard then feel sick, about to throw up and fall over; But then the brain kicks in chemicals equivalent of a small epinephrine injection to the bloodstream and then you feel no pain, fatigue, no fear, then keep going until I need another from the brain I try until Im feeling on the brink of death. I need those fight, flight or freeze and die situations in my life, otherwise I would feel absolutely worthless. But then again this is only all a hypothesis we are all making.
It's hard for me to imagine myself without depression. I've been living with it for so long, it feels like an old sweater which fits perfectly. (It's easy to repeat old mistakes, the paths seems so familiar.)
Without depression I'd be fearless. I wouldn't hesitate and over-think things. I wouldn't apologize for my existence. I'd feel motivated to go outside. I'd feel honest connection with "normal" people. I wouldn't try to hide my illness, afraid of scaring people away.
I would never have sleepless nights, filled with anxieties. I would never have troubles with waking up every morning, not feeling as if I dig hundreds of pits all night long. I wouldn't have scars. I wouldn't need medication to start doing simple daily activities. I wouldn't suddenly cry with no apparent reason. I wouldn't take shower for hours, hoping to just dissolve in air and disappear.
Without depression I'd be weaker. I wouldn't know how it is to rebuild yourself every day every minute, for months, for years. I wouldn't know how to take proper care of myself. I wouldn't know how to talk about mental health and how many people in the world are struggling with it. I wouldn't create such a meaningful connection with my closed ones. I would be less thoughtful, less patient. I wouldn't know I am not alone with my fight. I wouldn't recognize myself.
Not being yourself can be a scary thing. You know it's truly not who you are but you can't seem to get back to the place you want to be. Everyday you can make the alternative choices to make a step forward or regrettably take a step back. Although taking a step back isn't what you want, you may not have a choice. Everyone will have bad days but that doesn't mean the next day can't make up for the earlier one. I suffer from chronic depression and haven't left my house other than for work in 4 months. But having people who understand and reaching out to find those people can help towards becoming the person you want to be. I always tell myself "baby steps," because I know at this point in my life nothing is going to change over night. Having a good day causes me to write everything down and review why it was a better day, likewise with having a bad day. Finding a routine will cause your days to find a little bit of structure and cause you to be able to find a way to stop your negative interactions and get back into something that you know will be able to keep you on track without causing your day to spiral out of control. This sometimes works for me and I encourage others to test it. No one deserves to struggle with this, you all deserve to be the best person you can be, and you will. Just maybe not today, or tomorrow, but one day. You will be exactly who you want. Remember, baby steps :)
Have a good day everyone!
That's a good question I've had depression more than half my life so I have no idea.
if i could have the gene removed that caused me depression, im not so sure that i would. it has made me a more sympatheic, empatheic, and loving compassionate artistic person. im not sure i want to give that up... its some of the best part of who i am.
Such a great answer, @Courage. Thank you for sharing it!
I do relate to you in some way though I guess I think about it differently somehow because I just graduated from school. But I keep asking myself the same question who i would be if I weren't depressed. Maybe I would have been more social active at school and joined others or went to parties. I might have more self-confidence and the ability to look beyond the bad things and chase my dreams. But I'm also afraid of not having depression! I'd be so happy to live my life without thinking about every mistake every minute and leaving all my negative thoughts behind but I'm afraid that it's going to change my personality and that I have to built up a new one or that those things that matter to me now won't anymore. I have my own world when I'm feeling depressed and it's a place where I know myself and that feels familiar and I'm scared of not knowing myself anymore.
Maybe I wouldn't have that much trouble taking the next step in my life and going to university and leave the past behind but in some way that means forgetting to me and I don't want to forget even if it means keeping bad memories and depression.
I would be the usually happy ,funny person with many friends and with a very good social life,strong,stable and a great friend to others.