Who would you be if you weren't depressed?
~~The reason depression is the worst: It robs you of your identity, potential, self-worth, friends and family. If I was healthy, would I find my place in this world? Would I achieve excellence in a career that is challenging and rewarding? Would I be a super-husband and super-dad, full of energy, love, kindness and patience? Would I be a good friend who calls often to catch up and remembers birthdays? Would I look forward to dinner parties, my kids sports games, camping trips and family get-togethers? Would I be fun to be around, would people want to spend time with me? Would I be a strong person, firmly living according to my own moral standards? Would I be respected by my peers as a man of character?
Unfortunately, Im failing in so many areas of my life right now and everyone around me assumes its because Im a flake, a loser, a jerk, a weirdo, possibly has Asperger etc. I can and want to be so much more than who I am today, but I have been forced to carry a metaphorical pack on my back that weighs me down physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. At first, I was able to rise up against the challenge and impose my will. But as time went on, I became more and more exhausted because this heavy load is on my shoulders every second of the day, day after day after day. Its now imposing its will upon me and destroying everything that lies in my path, especially those closest to me. My wife wont say it, but Im sure it would be easier to live with a spouse with brain-cancer or alzheimers than a spouse with depression. A depressed person in the home casts a shadow that looms over the entire home, everyone feels the heaviness in the atmosphere, you cant escape it. If only it was as simple as telling family and friends why I am the way I am. Why I cant remember friends and family members birthdays, why its so hard for me to pick up the phone, why I avoid social gatherings like the plague, why I havent been to my cousins soccer game in 6 years, why I seem to have an excuse for why I cant attend every bbq my friends invite me to……………. Can anyone relate to this?
I'd be that perfect girl who works hard but doesn't obess over her grades, who has a lot of friends and get along well with almost anyone but is also okay being alone. She'd be fearless to do what she believes is right, cheerful, and perfect in all aspects.
Which is the exact opposite of what I am now.
I would be the woman who can hold her life and her love together instead of having it slip through her fingers just moments before her idea of perfection was achieved... loving someone with a mental illness presents is own challenges let alone having a mental illness yourself
I'd be a confident, hard-working woman who'd like her job (I'd like to be a photographer). I'd go to dance classes and art exhibits after work and not be scared of what people think of me. I wouldn't care that much about how I look but I'd do pilates or yoga anyway.
