confusing ???

@imsorryitry

It's understandable that you have a hard time being thankful for being sent to the hospital, if dying was something you wanted and people prevented it, it makes sense to feel a sort of resentment. But I hope you can try to understand the reasons why they would do it, and think of ways it could be a good thing. I know it probably doesn't feel like a good thing right now, and that you wish it didn't happen, but I'm certain that it was the right thing, that you weren't supposed to die then. I hope that with some time, the appreciation for that event will come to you, but you don't have to force it now. I know it's a bit irritating when people "tell" on you, or point out things you didn't want pointed out, but in the end if they're not doing it in a malicious manner, and they just want you to stay safe, I think it's for the best. Right now you're stuck in a sort of clouded view of yourself and your life, where everything seems dark. But there are people who can see you, without that cloud, and they want to help bring you out. It's not your fault that these sort of things bother you, because sometimes we don't always want what's best for us, especially when we're going through a rough time.

Hope, I don't think there's anything "wrong" with you, to me it just sounds like you're struggling with some things, and feeling overwhelmed and maybe hopeless. There's so many different reasons people could want to die, such as just wanting all the pain to stop, because they feel the world would be better without them, or many other things. But these are all things that are possible to look at a different way, to overcome. Just the same with hurting yourself..sometimes it's not one solid reason, one thing that started it all, sometimes instead it's a build up of little things that creep up on you until it feels too much to bear, and then it can lead to self harm as a coping method, including wanting to feel pain. You're not alone in this, not at all. And there's so many others who have gone through similar things and have made it out, there's no reason you couldn't make it out too

Depression, anxiety..mental illness can really impact people and distort their thinking, and take over their actions. But it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the person, it's the mental illness that's the problem. "Hope" is still there, you're still you and you're still in there, but there's this cloud of mental illness that's started to take over. But that doesn't mean you won't ever be free from it, or at the very least have it under control.

I 100% believe that you can feel happy again, happy to be alive, to get yourself back. But even better than that, even better than "going back", you can go forward, you can be a better version of yourself than you ever were. You don't have to be that little kid again, you can be the new you, the grown up Hope, a Hope that overcame such hardship and became a stronger, happier person. It doesn't matter about your past, whatever darkness has happened, you can always always make it out, make it to a bright place again. I won't lie and say it's easy or will happen fast, but I know that it's worth it to fight to get there. Because you can get there.