Abandoned yet again
Once again I'm having a breakdown on losing another friend. People just get numb to your pain so fast. I remember being asked HOW ARE YOU, HOW WAS YOUR DAY, ARE YOU ALRIGHT? but it didn't last more than just a few months. Someone's pain is an entertainment to someone else, a free chance to be good of a human, but when it gets boring you leave. Its not the first or second time. This always happens. I know no right person will come. All are humans. Its not their fault. Anything that's repeated loses interest. I should learn to live alone. I don't even have any other friends. No one to talk to. I don't know how do I stop myself from yearning for connection and support. This desire has cost me so many tears. Over the course of years I have lost everyone i opened up to. They all sympathized in start, fascinated by my sad story but then in a while it was too draining to deal with a sad person. They want people they can have fun with, hang out with, not someone who can't manage getting out of bed. I can't even blame anyone. Once again I'm left feeling as worthless as a stinky piece of shit everyone wants to avoid. Looking at people around me triggers my depression. Being normal is such a luxury that some can't afford but those who do don't value it. I'm so tired. Once again treated like trash. Every time this happens i take months to even manage to talk to someone let alone open up. But when i open up this happens again. I'm really scared of hope. I hope I never hope for such connect again. Friends and all, i should just forget it. I hope i don't hope again. It just hurts.
@warmheartedSpruce6212 Hey I'm sorry to hear you lost a friend. I know how painful that is when you don't have alot of friends to begin with and it makes it so hard to trust anyone else and even harder to open up. I know what you mean about hope. That little flicker of it seems to cause more trouble than it's worth some days. It can be draining to deal with depression - whether it's the person who has it or the people around them. I think that people who have never had depression just don't really understand that it isn't something people choose to be. It can be for a number of reasons and it doesn't just go away because people are tired of it because if that were the case - it would have probably magically disappeared for everyone who ever had it
I wish I had the words to ease the hurt you feel and could tell you that it won't happen again but I think we both know how uncertain that can be. I guess - I just want you to know that I hear you and I see you and that somewhere in the world someone is sending you good vibes
Thank you for responding and understanding. Your kind words helped me so much! I feel so better and heard. Thank you
@warmheartedSpruce6212 You're welcome :) I'm glad you feel better - even if its just alittle for alittle - it's a start. It helps sometimes to know you're not the only one who feels the way you do and it helps to know other have gone through similar things. I know my words aren't a cure all and that these feelings will pop up again and that's ok. It's like grief - well it is grief I guess. Because you've suffered losses - even if the people are still alive. But you'll go through stages and they'll go back and forth. Some days you might be sad and other days angry. But it's all normal from what I've been told and it gets better with time
Be gentle with yourself
@warmheartedSpruce6212 <3 It hurts when that happen and I agree that not everyone is able to understand truly what we go through and we can't even blame people cause no one can truly understand unless they have been through it themselves. But it sure is unfair to abandon someone because of their pain or struggle. We all learn and grow through love and support, sometimes we don't get that love and care from others so we try to cultivate it from within. I know it is hard but we can start with small steps :) for example, you can try to be kinder to yourself for trusting people, for opening up to them cause it takes a brave heart to be vulnerable. You are a brave heart, a pure soul. Give yourself credit for going on, for not giving up no matter how hard things are. I am just a stranger but I am proud of you for having hope cause I know the strength it takes to hope again.
@warmheartedSpruce6212 Hey :) I hope you don't mind - I just wanted to pop in and see how you are and how things are going
