Abusive Parents and Overworking

Hello Everyone!

TW.

Hello again. It's me again. The 14 yr old non binary (i've noticed i've been using "school pronouns" here. I am non-binary btw sorry to confuse you :(). From Zimbabwe. As of the time my parents found out about everything and all things have been a lot more shakey. Well after they finished taking all of their anger out of me the last week of school went smoothly and I found my grades making a noticable improvement. I found the ignoring tactic useful in some areas esoecially with my dad but with my mother it has been difficult because her words cut through my skin like a knife :(. Anyway the school holidays/break have approached and I was looking forward to giving myself a 1 week break from school, books etc like our class teacher had proposed and then carry on studying for the remaining two weeks. Such plans were distorted sadly by my abusive parents :(.

As of yesterday the called me down to shout at me about studying and i found my mom saying "3 episodes worth of TV is too much for one day you need to study and read there's no holiday to talk about here wake up early and get into the programme of studying and studying and studying." Which I found really harsh considering I have been doing that since January and now it's June and some of our teachers had said that we desereved this break at least to give ourselves 1 week to reflect and just rest then study for the remaining two weeks. But that wasn't the case in my household. My parents started talking about leaving me on internet surveillance which means they will be checking the wifi bill everyday to insure that i'm not slacking. And failure to follow their rules would result in them permanently disconnecting the internet. They said that they would be taking drastic measures to make sure that we were following their strict rules and my father said he'd beat me up if I didn't follow instrucctions and started saying that he has full control and authority over me until i'm 25 years old and that he will control and rule over me no matter how "fed up" i get. And he said failure to do so i would be poor and living on the streets and all of those harsh things.

Unfortunately the ignoring tactic didn't necesarrily work here. I mean sure i didn't cry in front of them but unfortunately I did in my sleep last night and quite frankly i am crying right now. I'm not sure how long i can conceal my feelings here for considering my parents literally said i'm not allowed to react to anything and that is that. I feel like i'm not strong enough anymore. Yk like the ignoring tactic is wearing off idk. Anyway last year the same happened and i got beaten up and I had crippling depression for the whole of third semester and i failed my examinations. And I got beaten again and yeah. I'm scared of the same thing happening. Now i wish i was at school then i wouldn't get as much pressure. What i thought was going to be a holiday turns out to be a living hell and i honestly don't know how to feel. Its like my feelings are getting erased and there's nothing i can do about it.

I'm actually really scared about this surveillance thing. What if they find 7 cups on the wifi bill and i get wipped? Whta if they harass another one of my listeners over the phone like last time? Is it ok to cry later on? Am i entitled to feel anything? If i show feeling will it channel them to bully even more? How long can i keep the ignoring tactic up for? Why can't i be strong? I have so manny questions yk. Anyway this is my story :(. It's really upsetting to never be happy for any prolonged time. It's like i get happy and then it gets taken away and i cry and then their happy. It's like you can't be happy all the time you can only be happy when you're 25 and earn a living of being a cooperate lawyer like your perfect religious sister. Which is exactly what my parents say all the time. What am i going to do? Is this a human rights violation? Idk :(