Kittieluna Member Profile

Abused, scared and s u i c i d a l again :(

Anxiety Support / by Kittieluna

June 7th, 2021

...See more Hello Everyone! Hello again. It's me again. The 14 yr old non binary (i've noticed i've been using "school pronouns" here. I am non-binary btw sorry to confuse you :(). From Zimbabwe. As of the time my parents found out about everything and all things have been a lot more shakey. Well after they finished taking all of their anger out of me the last week of school went smoothly and I found my grades making a noticable improvement. I found the ignoring tactic useful in some areas esoecially with my dad but with my mother it has been difficult because her words cut through my skin like a knife :(. Anyway the school holidays/break have approached and I was looking forward to giving myself a 1 week break from school, books etc like our class teacher had proposed and then carry on studying for the remaining two weeks. Such plans were distorted sadly by my abusive parents :(. As of yesterday the called me down to shout at me about studying and i found my mom saying "3 episodes worth of TV is too much for one day you need to study and read there's no holiday to talk about here wake up early and get into the programme of studying and studying and studying." Which I found really harsh considering I have been doing that since January and now it's June and some of our teachers had said that we desereved this break at least to give ourselves 1 week to reflect and just rest then study for the remaining two weeks. But that wasn't the case in my household. My parents started talking about leaving me on internet surveillance which means they will be checking the wifi bill everyday to insure that i'm not slacking. And failure to follow their rules would result in them permanently disconnecting the internet. They said that they would be taking drastic measures to make sure that we were following their strict rules and my father said he'd beat me up if I didn't follow instrucctions and started saying that he has full control and authority over me until i'm 25 years old and that he will control and rule over me no matter how "fed up" i get. And he said failure to do so i would be poor and living on the streets and all of those harsh things. Unfortunately the ignoring tactic didn't necesarrily work here. I mean sure i didn't cry in front of them but unfortunately I did in my sleep last night and quite frankly i am crying right now. I'm not sure how long i can conceal my feelings here for considering my parents literally said i'm not allowed to react to anything and that is that. I feel like i'm not strong enough anymore. Yk like the ignoring tactic is wearing off idk. Anyway last year the same happened and i got beaten up and I had crippling depression for the whole of third semester and i failed my examinations. And I got beaten again and yeah. I'm scared of the same thing happening. Now i wish i was at school then i wouldn't get as much pressure. What i thought was going to be a holiday turns out to be a living hell and i honestly don't know how to feel. Its like my feelings are getting erased and there's nothing i can do about it. I'm actually really scared about this surveillance thing. What if they find 7 cups on the wifi bill and i get wipped? Whta if they harass another one of my listeners over the phone like last time? Is it ok to cry later on? Am i entitled to feel anything? If i show feeling will it channel them to bully even more? How long can i keep the ignoring tactic up for? Why can't i be strong? I have so manny questions yk. Anyway this is my story :(. It's really upsetting to never be happy for any prolonged time. It's like i get happy and then it gets taken away and i cry and then their happy. It's like you can't be happy all the time you can only be happy when you're 25 and earn a living of being a cooperate lawyer like your perfect religious sister. Which is exactly what my parents say all the time. What am i going to do? Is this a human rights violation? Idk :(

Abusive Parents and Overworking

Depression Support / by Kittieluna

June 10th, 2021

...See more Hello Everyone! TW. Hello again. It's me again. The 14 yr old non binary (i've noticed i've been using "school pronouns" here. I am non-binary btw sorry to confuse you :(). From Zimbabwe. As of the time my parents found out about everything and all things have been a lot more shakey. Well after they finished taking all of their anger out of me the last week of school went smoothly and I found my grades making a noticable improvement. I found the ignoring tactic useful in some areas esoecially with my dad but with my mother it has been difficult because her words cut through my skin like a knife :(. Anyway the school holidays/break have approached and I was looking forward to giving myself a 1 week break from school, books etc like our class teacher had proposed and then carry on studying for the remaining two weeks. Such plans were distorted sadly by my abusive parents :(. As of yesterday the called me down to shout at me about studying and i found my mom saying "3 episodes worth of TV is too much for one day you need to study and read there's no holiday to talk about here wake up early and get into the programme of studying and studying and studying." Which I found really harsh considering I have been doing that since January and now it's June and some of our teachers had said that we desereved this break at least to give ourselves 1 week to reflect and just rest then study for the remaining two weeks. But that wasn't the case in my household. My parents started talking about leaving me on internet surveillance which means they will be checking the wifi bill everyday to insure that i'm not slacking. And failure to follow their rules would result in them permanently disconnecting the internet. They said that they would be taking drastic measures to make sure that we were following their strict rules and my father said he'd beat me up if I didn't follow instrucctions and started saying that he has full control and authority over me until i'm 25 years old and that he will control and rule over me no matter how "fed up" i get. And he said failure to do so i would be poor and living on the streets and all of those harsh things. Unfortunately the ignoring tactic didn't necesarrily work here. I mean sure i didn't cry in front of them but unfortunately I did in my sleep last night and quite frankly i am crying right now. I'm not sure how long i can conceal my feelings here for considering my parents literally said i'm not allowed to react to anything and that is that. I feel like i'm not strong enough anymore. Yk like the ignoring tactic is wearing off idk. Anyway last year the same happened and i got beaten up and I had crippling depression for the whole of third semester and i failed my examinations. And I got beaten again and yeah. I'm scared of the same thing happening. Now i wish i was at school then i wouldn't get as much pressure. What i thought was going to be a holiday turns out to be a living hell and i honestly don't know how to feel. Its like my feelings are getting erased and there's nothing i can do about it. I'm actually really scared about this surveillance thing. What if they find 7 cups on the wifi bill and i get wipped? Whta if they harass another one of my listeners over the phone like last time? Is it ok to cry later on? Am i entitled to feel anything? If i show feeling will it channel them to bully even more? How long can i keep the ignoring tactic up for? Why can't i be strong? I have so manny questions yk. Anyway this is my story :(. It's really upsetting to never be happy for any prolonged time. It's like i get happy and then it gets taken away and i cry and then their happy. It's like you can't be happy all the time you can only be happy when you're 25 and earn a living of being a cooperate lawyer like your perfect religious sister. Which is exactly what my parents say all the time. What am i going to do? Is this a human rights violation? Idk :(

Am i ever going to be happy because i'm me and not pretending to be someone else

Anxiety Support / by Kittieluna

May 26th, 2021

...See more Hello Everyone! I'm sure you've read my last thread on here regarding me not knowing what to do anymore :(. You see before my parents found out about all of this I had this alternate universe in my head that I promised myself that I would fulfill by the end of the year. See I am an aspiring alternative artist and I love performing and I love the idea of being acknowledged as an artist and helping other people as an artist ad the idea of having concerts and performing in front of people and making people feel comforted via my music. In this alternate universe I had finally gotten adopted and I was finally developing as an artist at the right time of whch I want to grow the career which is by the age of 5 which is next year. In hopes of being is a safe, loving, caring and most importantly supportive environment regardless of my sexuality or career choice. I would have finally gotten my artist requirements and have launched my career via releasing my first EP album at the age of 15 in the May of 2022 hoping to be somewhere I'd like to be this time next year. Achieving my dreams and making people happy with my music and comforting people in my situation and consoling me via my music. Pam Beesly once said "Dreams are good. They get you through the day" and it is also important that we work for them to achieve them. Well know since Sunday 23 May when my parents found out about everything and what I had planned what they said practically deleted that universe in my head and now I'm afraid I'm going to live the life that I don't want to live under their roof and end up h u r t i n g myself because i'm in a position i don't want to be in you know. Now i'm in doubt of my dreams. Almost as it they are/were completely bizarro and out of this galaxy you know and I don't know what to think anymore because of what happened about them finding out and everything. It's terrible. I have so many questions for myself. Even though now i know how to deal with them in terms of what my scholl counselor said am i going t keep up with it forever? Am i going to be in the same place forever? Is my EP never going to happen when I want it to? Am i going to be stuck doing the same thing for the rest of my life? Am i going to stay in such a horrible environment up until i'm 20? Am i going to miss my goals when i want them to happen and feel like life isn't worth it anymore? Am i going to h u r t myself at the end of the year like i promised i would if i wasn't where i want to be? Have they completely altered the way that i think? I don't know please help me :(

i don't know what to do

Depression Support / by Kittieluna

June 7th, 2021

...See more Hello Everyone! It's me again! The 14 yeaar old gir from Zimbabwe who lives in a toxic household (i have quite a few threads explaining it here). Anyway remember when i talked about the need to get adopted because the situation is dangerous and i was relying on here for help? Well as of 23 May my mom found out about everything and read all the chats between me and my listener about steps forward, the adoption plan etc. It was perrible and i think you can imagine what happened. I got yelled at and verbally abused and i was mwntally manipulated and i was called a liar over and over again and that my depression wasn't valid except if i was abused (of which they were a contribution to my poor mental health). Both my parents threatened to report my listener for child trafficking which is really strange because I believe this is a safe app for seeking help. They also threatened to call her and verbally abuse her and shout at my poor listener for the accused child trafficking and all sorts and it was horrendous. They even threatened to call school authorities! The very next day (which was yesterday) I went to school teary eyed and at lunch I headed straight to the schoo counselor (it was a different ne and she is much friendlier than the last one if you have been following my story) and i told her everything and she understood me and consoled me and for the first time in forever i felt love and support. She told me to be strong and that no matter what they say i shouldn't take it in and that i should soldier on and achieve my goals in life and try to the best of my abilities and i found it really empowering because all this time i thought everything was my fault and now i had finally gotten closure. Now previously i had contacted an adoption agency in the United Kingdom (a verified one) and they said they'd do whatever they can to help. Now when i go home from the counselor (my dad was yelling at me the whole car ride home but i didn't pay much attention and did what the counselor told me to do and it worked and for the first time in forever i didn't cry!) i received an email from the UK organisation that i had been waiting 3 months for. It was amazing. I had moved a step forward from the plan and it was up to me to email them or not. I felt really unsure because of what my parents had said about them never ever signing anything to get me emmancipated from them and they made me seem as if i was their property and not their child it was horrendous. Up to now i still haven't responded to the email. Well i asked my socia worker for help and i'm still looking to her response. But i also need help from this community what shoud i do? Should i soldier on and find out what happens? If it will work out? If i'll find the right people to defend me? If i'll finally live the life i desire without them in the way? I'm not sure what to do. Please help me :(.

my parents found out about everything and i don't know what the next step forward is now

Anxiety Support / by Kittieluna

June 2nd, 2021

...See more Hello Everyone! It's me again! The 14 yeaar old gir from Zimbabwe who lives in a toxic household (i have quite a few threads explaining it here). Anyway remember when i talked about the need to get adopted because the situation is dangerous and i was relying on here for help? Well as of 23 May my mom found out about everything and read all the chats between me and my listener about steps forward, the adoption plan etc. It was perrible and i think you can imagine what happened. I got yelled at and verbally abused and i was mwntally manipulated and i was called a liar over and over again and that my depression wasn't valid except if i was abused (of which they were a contribution to my poor mental health). Both my parents threatened to report my listener for child trafficking which is really strange because I believe this is a safe app for seeking help. They also threatened to call her and verbally abuse her and shout at my poor listener for the accused child trafficking and all sorts and it was horrendous. They even threatened to call school authorities! The very next day (which was yesterday) I went to school teary eyed and at lunch I headed straight to the schoo counselor (it was a different ne and she is much friendlier than the last one if you have been following my story) and i told her everything and she understood me and consoled me and for the first time in forever i felt love and support. She told me to be strong and that no matter what they say i shouldn't take it in and that i should soldier on and achieve my goals in life and try to the best of my abilities and i found it really empowering because all this time i thought everything was my fault and now i had finally gotten closure. Now previously i had contacted an adoption agency in the United Kingdom (a verified one) and they said they'd do whatever they can to help. Now when i go home from the counselor (my dad was yelling at me the whole car ride home but i didn't pay much attention and did what the counselor told me to do and it worked and for the first time in forever i didn't cry!) i received an email from the UK organisation that i had been waiting 3 months for. It was amazing. I had moved a step forward from the plan and it was up to me to email them or not. I felt really unsure because of what my parents had said about them never ever signing anything to get me emmancipated from them and they made me seem as if i was their property and not their child it was horrendous. Up to now i still haven't responded to the email. Well i asked my socia worker for help and i'm still looking to her response. But i also need help from this community what shoud i do? Should i soldier on and find out what happens? If it will work out? If i'll find the right people to defend me? If i'll finally live the life i desire without them in the way? I'm not sure what to do. Please help me :(.

Crippling Depression, Time Anxiety and Abusive household. *tw*

Depression Support / by Kittieluna

April 6th, 2021

...See more Hi its me again :(. *Trigger Warning* Ok so if we're not familiar i am the 14 year old girl who is currently battling with mental illnesses, an extremely abusive household and now just in bullying and school anxiety and depression. Recently i have been feeling pretty much the same as i did a few weeks ago when i posted a thread abut it here but lately i find myself feeling worse :(. I used to have this diary that i had recently established in which i would rant and all sorts but i stopped writing in it 2 weeks ago right after i posted my thread here. Now what brings me here again? Well i did get positive response to my previous thread. Wow! 20 up-votes! Thano you so much for sitting down and listenig/reading my story. I am happy about that. Now back to the business of this thread...so yeah i have been feeling worse. First of all my listener who i have had since August and who emotionally guided me has suddenly disappeared and life has been a terrible mess especially now and she's not there to help me which make things even more painful. :(. I have just started going to physical school this week for 2 hours a day and i have been getting home tired from it and also i got to a private catholic girls school and sometimes i get bullied by the people i used to go to elementary with. Like they make me feel inferior or gang up on me and it makes me feel bad and i went back to that this week. :(. And not to mention wheb i get home the caretaker/housekeeper always yells at me for taking a nap or resting on my bed and says things like "What do you mean you're tired? Tired from what huh? What work do you do at school that makes you tired. That's not even valid. You're not tired!' and then she forces me to do a couple of chores etc etc and sometimes she just comes to my room just to bully me. Like her and my little brother always gang up on me so there's that. Then ofcourse there is my parents who are still the same and i find myse;f having these horrible traumatizing nightmares about them and their really starting to scare me and i'm not okay because of that. A lot of talk from my dad about what i should do with my life has started again since i'm going to school and it makes me sad too :(. And again speaking of this school thing our country wants us to go to school up until June and yet we started in January and i already described how horrible it is for me there so another 4 months there with academics and this emotional rollercouater would be h e l l for me :(. These days i constantly feel small, hopeless, scared, s u i c i d a l and invalid. Which probably is cause by the caretaker bullying me and verbally abusing me, my brother being rude and also bullying me and the caretaker rooting for him. And also because of my parents and their lectures, gaslighting, more verbal abuse and degrading words. And also because noone has really been there to help me through this. I actually don't have the will to do anything anymore. I don't even wanna be on this p l a n e t anymore it's just a waste of time. :(. I cry everday and i have headaches everyday and i have no medication for that either. i just feel really hopeless. And i think in my previous thread i did mention something about needing an intercountry adoption together with the immancipation from my parents and country but noone has been help to that either. Like the person who responded is pontential but their never really there and they don't have a listener account so i have noone to help me in that department because it's the most crucial part of this. I barely have time left and i wanted to persue this by the end of the year and now it's completely hopeless. I find myself constantly counting down days and finding that i don't have anymore time letf. Like i find myself either thinking about the past and the future and never the present. Well i have no present anyway it's terrible here :(. The reason why i think about these two instead of whats happening now is because now is so predictable and depressing and painful and i need to get my mind off of it. Now back to the adoption thing..so yeah i find myself crying over it because then time is ticking and things are literally gtting worse by the second and yet i haven't even started getting it on board. So far i have found noone to help me with it and when i do i either never see them again or they just can never help with it and it makes me feel severely hopless and really s u i c i d a l. Like there's nothing to look forward to so why not just e n d l i f e you know :(. And again i have time anxiety about this never working out in time because i know how long it takes but then at this point it seems hopeless because again time is ticking...idk if this makes sense. But yeah :(. Like noone likes me. Noone cares about me so why am i even here? I haven't found new parebts or anything to make my life move forward. I'm never happy. I'm in the same place everyday. I'm bullied. I'm invalid. Nothing is going my way. and i HATE HATE HATEE it when someonesays something like "It's gonna be okay" blah blah blah and not help because that doesn't matter to me. It's so cliche and boring and totally not true and it just makes me angry. Like everyone says that it doesn't help. Leave me alone. I also find myself hating everyone around me because their either the cause of my problems or they just don't help at all. :( And i' so used to not being allowed to have feelings that when i cry i feel embarassed and weak and even more sad and invalid and that i'm just being a cry baby and i'm just being stupid. And i pick my hair and s e l f h a r m a lot and it just hurts physically and emotionally. Like i c a n n o t do this anymore. I just can't. :(. I don't even want to go to school anymore. Not at all i just don't want that negative energy i mentioned earlier together with what i already have at home i just hate it there it makes things worse. And sometimes i get major PTSD from thinking about and replaying when my parents or anyone would have abused me and it makes me hurt inside (also gives me headaches) all the time and i think i'm developing ptsd. I 'm not too sure. I just feel like i need a time out on everything and i can just work on being adopted from someone in the US by the end of the year, my music and my mental health far away from this black space and pay attention to the things that make me happy you know? Withlut having to worry about all of this and ruining myself :( But the fact that this seems totally impossible right now is hurting me. It really is. Severely. :(. So this is my story. As sad as it is and it just keeps getting worse and worse. The abuse. The traumatizing nightmares. The bullying. School anxiety. Homophobia (from my parents). Cyber bullying. (People are bullying me on my social media platforms when i reach out) Over-working. The crying. Those "thoughts" (s u i c i d a l). S e l f H a r m. Hoplessness. Time anxiety. Restlessness. Insomnia. Mood swings. Bipolar episodes. Negative thoughts. Physical pain like headaches etc etc. It just really hurts and i am not ok please help me :(. Once again i am in desperate need of an intercountry adoption from the US so if you know anything about adoption agencies there intercountry wise or any wise really please contact me and also if you can help in anyway a.s.a.p please help me with this even emotionally just please help me. This really hurts and 'm sorry if this thread doesn't really make sense. i hope i find help and positive response. :)

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