Crippling Depression, Anxiety attacks and Abusive household.

Hello Everyone!

I'm a 14 year old girl, I'm from Zimbabwe and here's my story. :)

Recently I have been under so much pressure with school-work, my toxic household and just general stress and I haven't had much time to myself lately as a way of clearing my mind or having inner peace. It has never been like that anyway here. My parents aren't help at all because they are 100% the reason why I feel like this. Ther are very abusive verbally and physically and I am literally not allowed to have any emotions or feelings. And at my age there are a TON of feelings both good or bad. Last year was a tough year for me as I was severly beaten and yelled at for my every move and had lots of hurtful words cast upon my now shrivelled soul and I had crippling depression for 6 months and I got abused for that as well an now i feel like i'm going back into that horrible time-loop again :(. Its so painful to handle. Everyday becomes more and more hopless and I always think about s u i c i d e and once commited s e l f h a r m and my parents found out and I got verbally abused for being ungrateful. Just yesterday I reached someplace else but there was no reaction so it made me feel even more hopless and I feel like noone cares about me. Everyday becomes more and more hopeless for me and I find myself constantly loosing t h e w i l l t o l i v e. All this is so upsetting and has been going on for long enough. I've even looked for a way to escape this daily trauma which is intercountry adopting from the U.S but I haven't found anyone yet despite my research and I have time anxiety and I promised myself that by the end of this year I should be someplace else mentally and physically and right now 3 months has passed and i'm still not moving. Time is moving but i am not and everday becomes more and more depressing. I cry myself to sleep everyday and sometimes no tears come out because of the way I'm not allowed to express my feelings in such a household. When i think about life and my parents my head literally starts hurting and also when my parents are around i find myself panicking. It's really not safe here seeing as i am bisexual and my father said he'd kill me if i wasn't straight. I really need help coping with this and it hurts more and more hard to handle everyday. At this point i'm just waiting to d i e. I always feel small because of my parents and my dreams and emotions are always trampled on and time is moving and I haven't found anyone to intercountrily adopt me or anything and its stressing me out and i barely have time to distress because I'm always under pressure and on the edge. If you can help me in anyway whether with this adoption or emotionally it would be great.

Sorry this is too long i needed to get this off my chest. :(