Crippling Depression, Time Anxiety and Abusive household. *tw*

Hi its me again :(.

*Trigger Warning*

Ok so if we're not familiar i am the 14 year old girl who is currently battling with mental illnesses, an extremely abusive household and now just in bullying and school anxiety and depression. Recently i have been feeling pretty much the same as i did a few weeks ago when i posted a thread abut it here but lately i find myself feeling worse :(. I used to have this diary that i had recently established in which i would rant and all sorts but i stopped writing in it 2 weeks ago right after i posted my thread here.

Now what brings me here again? Well i did get positive response to my previous thread. Wow! 20 up-votes! Thano you so much for sitting down and listenig/reading my story. I am happy about that. Now back to the business of this thread...so yeah i have been feeling worse. First of all my listener who i have had since August and who emotionally guided me has suddenly disappeared and life has been a terrible mess especially now and she's not there to help me which make things even more painful. :(. I have just started going to physical school this week for 2 hours a day and i have been getting home tired from it and also i got to a private catholic girls school and sometimes i get bullied by the people i used to go to elementary with. Like they make me feel inferior or gang up on me and it makes me feel bad and i went back to that this week. :(. And not to mention wheb i get home the caretaker/housekeeper always yells at me for taking a nap or resting on my bed and says things like "What do you mean you're tired? Tired from what huh? What work do you do at school that makes you tired. That's not even valid. You're not tired!' and then she forces me to do a couple of chores etc etc and sometimes she just comes to my room just to bully me. Like her and my little brother always gang up on me so there's that.

Then ofcourse there is my parents who are still the same and i find myse;f having these horrible traumatizing nightmares about them and their really starting to scare me and i'm not okay because of that. A lot of talk from my dad about what i should do with my life has started again since i'm going to school and it makes me sad too :(. And again speaking of this school thing our country wants us to go to school up until June and yet we started in January and i already described how horrible it is for me there so another 4 months there with academics and this emotional rollercouater would be h e l l for me :(.

These days i constantly feel small, hopeless, scared, s u i c i d a l and invalid. Which probably is cause by the caretaker bullying me and verbally abusing me, my brother being rude and also bullying me and the caretaker rooting for him. And also because of my parents and their lectures, gaslighting, more verbal abuse and degrading words. And also because noone has really been there to help me through this. I actually don't have the will to do anything anymore. I don't even wanna be on this p l a n e t anymore it's just a waste of time. :(. I cry everday and i have headaches everyday and i have no medication for that either. i just feel really hopeless.

And i think in my previous thread i did mention something about needing an intercountry adoption together with the immancipation from my parents and country but noone has been help to that either. Like the person who responded is pontential but their never really there and they don't have a listener account so i have noone to help me in that department because it's the most crucial part of this. I barely have time left and i wanted to persue this by the end of the year and now it's completely hopeless. I find myself constantly counting down days and finding that i don't have anymore time letf. Like i find myself either thinking about the past and the future and never the present. Well i have no present anyway it's terrible here :(. The reason why i think about these two instead of whats happening now is because now is so predictable and depressing and painful and i need to get my mind off of it. Now back to the adoption thing..so yeah i find myself crying over it because then time is ticking and things are literally gtting worse by the second and yet i haven't even started getting it on board. So far i have found noone to help me with it and when i do i either never see them again or they just can never help with it and it makes me feel severely hopless and really s u i c i d a l. Like there's nothing to look forward to so why not just e n d l i f e you know :(. And again i have time anxiety about this never working out in time because i know how long it takes but then at this point it seems hopeless because again time is ticking...idk if this makes sense. But yeah :(.

Like noone likes me. Noone cares about me so why am i even here? I haven't found new parebts or anything to make my life move forward. I'm never happy. I'm in the same place everyday. I'm bullied. I'm invalid. Nothing is going my way. and i HATE HATE HATEE it when someonesays something like "It's gonna be okay" blah blah blah and not help because that doesn't matter to me. It's so cliche and boring and totally not true and it just makes me angry. Like everyone says that it doesn't help. Leave me alone. I also find myself hating everyone around me because their either the cause of my problems or they just don't help at all. :(

And i' so used to not being allowed to have feelings that when i cry i feel embarassed and weak and even more sad and invalid and that i'm just being a cry baby and i'm just being stupid. And i pick my hair and s e l f h a r m a lot and it just hurts physically and emotionally. Like i c a n n o t do this anymore. I just can't. :(. I don't even want to go to school anymore. Not at all i just don't want that negative energy i mentioned earlier together with what i already have at home i just hate it there it makes things worse. And sometimes i get major PTSD from thinking about and replaying when my parents or anyone would have abused me and it makes me hurt inside (also gives me headaches) all the time and i think i'm developing ptsd. I 'm not too sure.

I just feel like i need a time out on everything and i can just work on being adopted from someone in the US by the end of the year, my music and my mental health far away from this black space and pay attention to the things that make me happy you know? Withlut having to worry about all of this and ruining myself :( But the fact that this seems totally impossible right now is hurting me. It really is. Severely. :(.

So this is my story. As sad as it is and it just keeps getting worse and worse. The abuse. The traumatizing nightmares. The bullying. School anxiety. Homophobia (from my parents). Cyber bullying. (People are bullying me on my social media platforms when i reach out) Over-working. The crying. Those "thoughts" (s u i c i d a l). S e l f H a r m. Hoplessness. Time anxiety. Restlessness. Insomnia. Mood swings. Bipolar episodes. Negative thoughts. Physical pain like headaches etc etc. It just really hurts and i am not ok please help me :(.

Once again i am in desperate need of an intercountry adoption from the US so if you know anything about adoption agencies there intercountry wise or any wise really please contact me and also if you can help in anyway a.s.a.p please help me with this even emotionally just please help me. This really hurts and 'm sorry if this thread doesn't really make sense.

i hope i find help and positive response. :)