I can't take it no more. (Part 1)

I dont even know why im posting this if no one is going to read it but here i go....I feel like I'm just crazy of something because I don't know what to do with life, its like if I want to do something good it turns to something bad. I want to text/talk to people about this but my anxiety won't let me, the little voice in my head it's like "don't tell nobody because they won't care" or "stop you are just waisting there time". I just don't want to feel like this, and and a type of person who blames them self for everything, it all started when I was 9, one day I was bored and went walking to my cousins house but he wasn't the so I asked my uncle where was he at and he said at the store so I stayed there waiting for him, my uncle was throwing my baby cousins on the bed while they laughed and he looks at me and said "do you want me to throw you too?" And I said yes because there wasn't nothing wrong with it so I stand there waiting for him to throw me and out of nowhere he starts to touch my thighs and my chest, I was young but no stupid so I went running to my house but that wasn't the only day because there were more and worser, since I have really bad anxiety I never told no one. And ever since It happened I always tell my self "you are so disgusting going to his house" and stuff like that and that then i realise I hated my self....(if you actually want to keep on reading the go to part 2)