I'm a Chamelon

Hi, everybody. I decided to take a big step in my 8 years of depression to look and reflect at myself that I choose to neglect for years. So, this app is what I've found to be the instrument for my healing journey. Well, I am very much a type of person from which I suffer letting out my real personality and my inner thoughts. I have this defensive mechanism from which I choose to be somebody else that I'm not. I am stuck in a habit that it becomes a cycle through out the time like maintaining different images to show towards every person based on the acceptable "norms" that I should be doing in interaction. I am very much suffering in letting my inner self come out because I'm a person who can easily adapt a wide range of personalities like always blending in the environment. It depends on the basis of a person that I'm talking to. Actually, I don't know how to deal with it. All I know is I'm calm and very outgoing in the outside but very distant and tragic in private. Of course, I do meet people who will be later on filled me with new experiences. But since I have this trait, I have always adjust automatically and be not more or less as type of being natural "normal". The thing is this keeps on going for 8 years and it is still present. This happened for I have something on going with my family, a very strict one. I may seem good in expressing myself outside but it's a lie. Actually, as I talk about my issues I feel suffocating. All the pain and trauma I've suffered is making my heartache. To this year, I decided to do my best at understanding myself even I hate it because I pity myself and in denial of issues that I'm completely aware of. It took me courage and bravery to share with people. As far as I know, the "chameleon" is like a portrait where you want to be as a person. It exist to comfort me to a deep level but has it side effects. You may feel happy but never be fully accepted and trusted towards yourself along with people. In the end, you're stuck in a timeline where you always lie to yourself. But at the same time, you are protecting yourself from the dangers that may use you as a plaything. I appreciate you all hearing me out. But please I'm trying to be sane but the truth is I am not as empty as what I said. I am just too hard on myself for the world I was shown to was a very cold lifeless soul. It is me in fear of what might come to make me learn to love and accept who I am and for people that seem weird for me.