Trust Issues

Hi, I'm new here and I'd like to thank the people who read this in advance and thank the people who give responses. Thank you.

Since I was little, I never really knew what being a friend was. I was alone in 1st grade and in 2nd grade, I only had a few friends. By 3rd grade I had a lot, but our school was small so we all had to transfer to different schools. I was very open as a kid, so I made friends in around 5th grade, but then it was time to graduate. Everyone in each class knew each other so well that I felt like an outsider even as a kid.

I forgot to mention that back in 4th grade, I became best friends with 2 people and one of them had anger issues. We fought often and there was a lot of friendship drama. It kind of made me scared to approach other people because I seriously didnt want to hurt others.

Then middle school rolled around and I became best friends with someone I really regret. I was always kind as a kind and kind of a pushover (as my parents have told me often) and my so called 'best friend' took advantage of that. At first, I thought "this is what friends should do. Help each other when they ask for it." And based on that, I assumed that she would stay my friend if I continued to help her. But then came an art project. I already had my details crafted and I started working on it, then my friend came to ask for help. Now our teacher was strict about helping each other, she said we should rely on our own imagination, so I told my friend that I had to work on my own since it was an important project. Then said called me a uhhh... female dog and broke off our friendship just like that. But that isnt even the worst part. While we were friends, she cut me off from getting close to anyone in the class, so I relied on her and only her. So when she broke off our friendship, I had no one. This went on and off for the entire year, with ME APOLOGIZING for not being useful enough.

But dont worry, I moved away. 7th grade and 8th grade were pretty good, but as my parents got more involved in my life, they always gave passing comments that they probably thought would help me, but didnt. Then Covid hit and I was in my worst state because I realized just how damaging my 6th grade life was to me during that time and how my parents' words didnt help.

I tried telling my parents how I felt, but they gave me weird looks or weren't even listening. That look said "You should only be happy." Ever since then, I never wanted to open up to anyone. After all the friendship problems and straight up getting my problems ignored by my family, made me feel like I could only trust the stuffed animals in my room to protect me.

And the rule of staying happy was, after a while, ingrained into me. I often cry in my room because that's the only place I can pour my heart out (my parents hate it when I cry, they say that I look weak and its pointless). Whenever I leave my room, I always plaster a smile on my face and pretend everything's okay. It was fine at first, no one could tell and everytime someone asked me if I was fine, I just said yeah I'm good. I always let them vent because I have no idea what I can even vent about when my life is just a jumbled mess I havent figured out yet.

So... that was a huge information dump, I'm sorry. But yeah... what should I do at this point?