Vent/ I'm depressed but I don't really know why?

I have a lot of reasons to be depressed but none of them add up like my parents were never really there and then all of a sudden I'm supposed to act like they did nothing wrong? But I don't get why that made me so upset? I've dealt with tons of grief and stuff and I grew up watching really gross gorey stuff on the internet which just made me really paranoid and gave me insomnia but it was like an addiction it hurt my well being but I just couldn't stop? I mean I think that makes sense I'm not too sure tho I've never really dealt with addiction before. I've seen people die in videos lots and I've never had too much of a reaction to it but when someone I know like a family member dies I have like a delayed reaction to it like only months or years after it's happened then I'll start having a proper reaction to it? Also when I was really paranoid cus of the stuff I watched I like saw stuff in my closet?? Idk what it was but I think it was like shadowy figures and stuff? I think I just convinced myself that they were real and it freaked me out which made me more paranoid and gave me insomnia and I also have like a fear of men like in general??? Idk why tho I mean I've heard plenty of stories about women being non con by guys but I think it gave me a phobia of men?? I'm not sure but yeah.