Was my fault?
I was not the brightest kid out there and school was a though place for me growing up since i always fall behind academically. Everyone made sure to let me know how stupid i was, students and teachers. The other kids would laugh at me when i can't answer a question at school and the teacher would get mad and would sometimes yell at me when i'm not performing well at the subjects. It also helps that i can't fight back or told anyone.
3rd grade was the worst for me. I had a very abusive teacher who would openly made fun of me in front of the whole class and he also phisically punish me by hitting me with a book. I had a hard time making friends that year because my classmates thought i was freak. When i was 11 i was sexually harrassed by an older man. A family friend who i thaught i could trust and i could still feel his hands touching me to this day.
Middle school is when things started to really fall apart for me. I barely have any friends, i was always bullied, and people were only nice to me when they want something from me. It really sucked.
I'm in college right now but i still thought of these memories alot and wondering, is this meant to happend to me and was it my fault?
I should have been stronger, i should have say no, i should have been smarter, all of this is my fault for being a stupid kid. I blame myself for all the horrible things people do to me because i'm too weak to fight back. This is all my fault and i deserve it. I just wish i could be stronger for myself. I always feel the need to apologize to myself but i can't accept my own apology because deep down i feel like i deserve all the horrible things i got.
@OlivKenneth
Hi! I felt very sad reading about your experiences as a child. It definitely was not your fault. As a child the only way you could respond was how you had been taught to respond, and that was up to your carers/role models at the time. We learn by imitating our role models and also by responding or reacting to how they treat us. So it really was out of your control back then.
If everyone treated you like you were stupid or insufficient, then that is what you came to believe about yourself. That was their mistake, not yours (though they were just following patterns they were raised with). I spent most of my life thinking I wasn't very clever, because of similar experiences. It turns out I am very smart, I just had to learn more about myself and what my strengths and challenges are, and what MY ways of learning/doing are. School only caters for the average kids, those with differences will be very left out, even if they are smarter in some way.
It can help to get diagnoses, and understand more about your brain and mental health. For example, some people can't read because they can't see very well. It isn't right to call them stupid when they just need reading glasses! In this same way, some people have anxiety, ptsd, executive function disorders, dyslexia, dyscalculia, adhd, low confidence or other challenges. And can learn how to live life very well, working with those challenges (or healing them in some cases).
I think it is so wonderful of you to recognise all of this, think about your past, and talk about it. That is the first step to recovery and healing. It sounds like you have taken over from your carers/teachers/bullies, and are now bullying yourself. Many of us do that, but we can learn to be on our own side and love and support ourselves through the challenges and find new supportive people to surround ourselves with, and activities that we thrive with. 🤗💛