i don’t know anymore
i want to d word but it’s not like i’m actually planning to act on it. every time i try to talk to someone about this, they just advice me to contact a s****** prevention hotline. but it’s not like i’m in an urgent crisis or anything so i can’t exactly call the hotline since i’ll just be wasting other people’s time. i’ve stopped asking for help ever since this happened because i feel like i’m just being dramatic and it’s just a waste of time overall.
i still feel so bothered about the thoughts in my head tho because even if i’m not planning to actually off myself, the thought of it still doesn’t go away. in fact, it’s bothering me so much that i want to smash my head to a wall. i keep hearing voices saying “unalive yourself” or if i see a random object (like a ballpen for example) i get thoughts like “you should s*** yourself with that”
i wanna d**, sure, but i don’t have the courage to actually do it. i don’t want pain, i want to go out peacefully. i just want to sleep and never wake up again. i don’t want to think, breathe, or live. i’m just sick of everything and the thoughts in my head aren’t helping.
It's alright. Firstly calm yourself down. You have people here who just want to talk to you and help you with your problems. I'm not a listener still I'm here if you want to talk. Whatever it is I wish it goes away. I wish you'll be happy again and have many people who love and care about you. There so much life to live yk. Life is amazing and you do have time. I know you are trying and I'm really very proud of you.
@wormbloke how are you feeling now?
I empathise as similar words were resounding in my head very strongly last month more than ever.
I also felt like doing the same to my head... If you reach that point please do call or chat on a helpline. That's why they are there. I used an online chat for mental health and it calmed me a bit.
However you do not mention regular psychological support - do you have that as if not first thing woukd be to refer yourself as this is an illness which is calling for treatment.
I cannot say I'm out of the depressive episode as I'm very weary and disinterested but I can see my brain is working differently to last month. I'm trying a new medication and working on trauma.
Aside from therapy The only solace I was finding was a member who helped me here as well as some feedback received by listeners and reading real life stories by authors who know darkness well. It made me feel a but less alien.
Hope you can keep sharing and opening up.
