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lonely but not

User Profile: kobe9
kobe9 April 25th, 2022

On Saturday, I started to feel a way I haven’t felt since precovid, since then it’s felt like someone has been stepping on my heart. I‘ve been so tired these last few days and I can feel myself repeating a pattern that took a pandemic to undo. I feel alone, I feel isolated, even though i’m not. I have my friends around me, but it’s just not something I want to burden them with. Saturday night I took a drive and ended up in Chicago (about an hour) from my house. I had my friends calling me and making it a big deal. It makes me feel worse when they ask questions. I drive to cope with how I‘m feeling, but I‘m scared. Scared i’m going to isolate myself, scared i’m going to feel as if I did before, Scared that I’m going to start drinking again until everything goes numb. I’m scared I’m going to have unwanted thoughts again and i’m scared that having people around me this time around will only make it worse. I don’t want to worry them and I don’t want to bring them down either. How is it I felt less lonely during a pandemic?

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User Profile: risingsun008
risingsun008 April 26th, 2022

Hey @kobe9,

I feel this same way. I have people, I'm lucky to have them, I am there for them and they are for me. In the solitude of quarantine I had time to get my habits right, I was proactive about interacting with people to the extent I could handle. I feel like I'm starting to isolate myself again; like I'm hanging out and talking to people but I'm not being honest with how I really feel. I'm starting to block them out, not wanting to be a burden to those I care for most. Scared I'm going to fall into self-sabotaging habits again. Maybe you felt less lonely during the pandemic because you were with yourself and were maintaining the level of socialization that you could handle. I see myself drawing inward again sometimes. I'm scared I'll feel like I did before, and I go on long drives to escape the feeling too (waay up to San Francisco to the bridge) looking out across the ocean late at night with the city lights on either side...that feels okay.
Do the things that make you feel okay, I'm scared too but try to open up about one thing to one friend. Just because you're avoiding your fears and you're isolating does not mean you do not have courage in you as well. You have it all in you, you have self-isolation but you have close relationships too, you can be surrounded and feel alone but you can also be there for someone who is alone. If I can feel all the same things and be here for you, then I believe you have the same courage to open up to a friend. If you can't do that yet, don't be more afraid, I am listening...we all are. You're sharing with me anonymously but you can build yourself up to sharing with your irl support system too. You're stronger than your fears, stronger than your flaws, stronger than your habits and you can return to your good ones.
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