Forever and ever

I am 48 soon to be 49. I was born male. I have struggled with severe depression, social anxiety, my sexuality, my gender, everything about me I was never comfortable with.

Everyday for 40 plus years I have had thoughts relating to my death.

I have been in and out of hospitals and have been to hundreds of psychiatrists, therapists, counselors, etc. I have been prescribed lots of different meds. None of the meds seemed to make a bit of difference. All the therapy and such took me back to the same point in my youth and they all pushed that I needed to get past the mental block and find out why as a very young child (kindergarten age) I woke up and sat up in bed crying most nights for no apparent reason. They insisted that this was the key to my future .

Because of the limited options to find this out , (hypnosis or some "special" meds) I never tried those methods. Confused thoughts come to the forefront and basically telling lies.

Around the time I was waking up this way I didn't know what sex was but I was having thoughts of a sexual nature involving my sperm donor of a father and wanting to make him happy. While having these thoughts I was finding different things to stick where the sun don't shine and fondling myself. Why??? I should have had no clue these types of behaviors existed at that point of my life. I remember modeling my underwear for him whenever I got some new ones. I did this of my own volition, I was not told to do it.

I will reply to continue