I'm lost
We're supposed to say something, but I don't even know what community I belong in. I've never been to therapy or support groups cuz I always freak out beforehand. I'm pretty sure I qualify for PTSD. It would explain a few things. My mom died when I was 11 and every Mother's day I'm forced to watch her last breath happen over and over again. I'm angry all the time, I always think things are my fault, I don't do emotions very well, but when things are related to death, hospitals, or cancer I have a meltdown. I don't go to the doctors because I freak out before and after and need to take the whole day off work for it. I wish I didn't do that. I want to be like those people that talk strongly about their lost loved ones, but I just choke up and can't speak. Within a month after her death I met my father. He refused to let my mom's side of the family adopt me and took me on a 11 hour plane ride away from everything and everyone I ever knew. Come to find out, he's and abusive alcoholic so I moved in with my paternal grandparents. Then my grandmother started with dementia and thought I was another woman trying to steal her man. I don't think I had enough support as a kid. She passed away 19 years ago last week and I'm still not over it. I can't focus on anything. I started online therapy last week, but that was for my relationship issues. I don't know how any of this works. I just wanna think straight.
@brightMelon7817 I feel. I'm pretty lost too. Also, there is a song called Lost by Dermot Kennedy. You should check it out because it's fantastic. I'm also working through trauma. I hope you feel a bit better everyday. What really helped me was spirituality including meditation on the jhanas, munay ki rites, soul retrieval, ancestral healing, shadow work. Trancendental meditation specifically is often very helpful for trauma as well as self inquiry. It was hard for me to know where to start, but I'm feeling better over time. Try reaching out to friends too. I have a tendency of isolating when things go wrong and it just isn't super helpful.
Dont worry . Its all gonna be fine . I wish i could be there for ya but theres no way to do that . Im very sorry to hear that . Its absolutely normal to feel weak just make sure ya have someone to rely on . A faitful n loveable shoulder to lean on . I wanna offer ya mine . Eventually everything will be alright everything will fall in right place . And dont give up hope , ya re gods priceless treasure and deserve to be loved n happy . Just remember their re people who love ya . Have faith in yourself ya will get through it eventually . Love ya a lot . Take care💖.