Life after Medication (And Hi)

Hello everyone. First of all, if you're reading this, thank you.

You can call me Luna. or Dark, that works too.

I've been diagnosed with MDD in 2019. Was medicated until this year, then I stopped taking meds by my own accord. I know that's not good, but I tried talking to my doctor about it and its just not going through them.

At one point this year, I felt like taking meds was just making things worse for me. I grew more agitated, my patience was super thin when I'm on meds, it was just not working for me anymore. On the contrary, I felt fine when I didn't take meds. So I started reducing my dosage in half, then stopped altogether.

Now I haven't been on meds for months. Most days are okay, some days I struggle more. I'm no longer numb to my emotions, but without meds, its entirely up to me to control myself. I definitely felt the effort I was putting into making myself okay, but I dont hate it.

Here's the thing though, I'm usually good at managing my triggers and reactions. What I'm not good at is combating emptiness. It's just, somedays I feel like there's a giant void inside me. Like, something felt wrong even when nothing is really wrong. Its like my brain is actively looking for something wrong to overthink about and it sucks. I've been trying to distracted myself but that only works to some extent.

I felt this way before I took meds in 2019, and meds fixed it to some extent. But I dont know if I want to go back to meds, because they're just not helping anymore. Any advice? :/