Lost

I've been dealing with depression since my early teen years. From family and financial issues to social neglect. I've been through 2 inpatient programs at 2 different hospitals in my teens. They didn't help. Meds made things worse at the time. Everything just gets worse every year. Which always made me mad whenever people say "Things will get better, just give it time.". 7 years ago, I was a finger twitch away from eating a hollow point from a .45. I had 3 letters written, 1 for each parent and other for sibling. I had them folded in my pocket. I had my things packed up so it was less of a burden for whoever had to come move my stuff out. I was pacing for 2 hours and I even tried to call the prevention hotline but I was too choked up that I couldn't get a word out and hung up.

That feeling of hopelessness I wouldn't wish upon anyone. The only reason I could come up with to not go through with it is I know I'm not the only one who knows that feeling. I wanted to be the helping hand that picks someone up when life has kicked them down too many times. I wanted others to know they don't have to fight that battle alone.

Video games have been my only escape. I hate so many things in this world but within that monitor, I could explore countless new worlds; be who I choose to be instead of what I have to be. Over time I've met a few cool people online (never in person). Some were dealing with depression as well and, like me, escaped the problems of reality by losing ourselves in games. Over time, 3 of them have told me if I wasn't around for them to vent/talk to, that they wouldn't be around to this day. That made me feel, for the first time in my life, proud of myself for something I was involved in.

However, over time, my own depression has been building. Before, I isolated myself from personal contact and just got my social fill from games online. Joke/talk with people on games and that was enough to get me through each day. Now, I've isolated myself even on games. The friends I use to play with so often noticed the change but have eventually stopped talking or playing with me. Games no longer feel like an escape for me but just a different version of things I hate about reality.

I have been drifting the last few years. I have no friends, no partner, no goals or motivation for anything. I don't know where I am, where I want to be, nor how to get there even if I did. Work, play games, eat, sleep, repeat for years. My depression and anxiety has caused me to even quit a few jobs over the years. I had quit my last job a few months ago. I'm living off of what little savings I had built up before. Once that savings is up, I don't think I can/want to bother with this life passed that.