Nothing excites me anymore (not sure if it ever did)
I'm 22 years old and I'm not sure if something's wrong with me, I haven't been diagnosed. I like working with my hands and move around, but when I have to sit down and do school work I get really restless, edgy and erratic. All these existential thoughts start running in my head, I get lethargic and get myself distracted by watching netflix or just go to bed, it really affects my work and that's stressing me out, which is like a vicious feedback loop now.
It's all fine (or tolerable) when I'm working with my hands (in the lab - I study biology), since I'm keeping myself busy and enjoy that. It's all hell when I have to sit down at a desk by myself and have to study or write, I get all these pessimistic thoughts and sometimes revisit so many memories in my head triggered by something I've watched in a movie or read, things that I've never thought were bad but now they seem like it, I'm not even sure if that's okay.
What made me realize that something's actually wrong is if someone asks me "What's your happiest memory? or When was the last time you were genuinely happy?", I wouldn't have an answer. I've realized nothing makes me happy and that's affecting my work. I guess in any other circumstances I would've buried it down and just go on survive, but since it's affecting my school, which is technically costing me and my parents money, I really want to get better and sort my shit. Which now I realize that I'm basically surviving to not make them sad after all they've done for me, and not out of my own will, which worries me.
@awkwardsurvivor
@LittleChambers, thank you for kind words :)
I am in the process of finding a psychologist, currently on a waiting list. Hopefully I find the right help.
Have you had any type of mental health assessment to get a definitive diagnosis and possibly medication to help you stay more focused with your school work. You enjoy biology and research? What is your end game with your studies? Have you shared any of this with your parents?
I haven't had any assessment yet. I had a few sessions with a student counselor at my school, but didn't feel like it helped much, he went on to refer me to a full time therapist (to which I'm currently on a waiting list).
I do enjoy biology and love asking a lot of questions, to a point where it used to annoy my teachers, haha. But when it comes to research, I really enjoy the laboratory aspect of it, where I get to move around and work with my hands. It's the writing part of research (which is quite important in communicating my work) that overwhelms me, when I need to sit down and concentrate. I feel like that's because my mind just runs loose unnecessarily about so many thoughts (relationships, future etc) when I'm idle and need to concentrate.
My endgame is to work in an environment where I get to work in a laboratory and solve problems with minimal paperwork, hence I've decided to do research in a company or a start-up after my studies.
I haven't shared anything about the things I'm feeling with my parents. My relationship with my parents has always been distant and quite formal tbh. The reason for this could mostly be cultural, it's also the innate hesitation and not knowing how to bring up this topic.
i am happy you enjoy biology. You may need to address the things with your family to get a better understanding of where you are at. Did i ask if you are on meds to help you focus?
No, I'm not taking any meds. I believe I first need to get a professional diagnosis and understand where the problem lies.