will I be okay

hi.

im very new to this whole expressing my actual emotions to people. I usually just tell people “im great!”…

ive been depressed and lonely for the last 2 years. It all started when my best friend died, 10 days before I moved across the country for college. I never had any actual time to grieve. I gained an extreme amount of weight which put my self esteem through the floor. I got through 3/4 of my freshman year of college, then had to go home because of covid…

Quarantine was a very lonely time, doing the same things every day. So, I decided to pick up a hobby and start walking 5 miles a day and eating right so that I could be healthy. When August came, I was so excited to move into my new apartment with my roommates…at least I thought I was. A year went by living in our apartment, and it turns out 1 roommate was talking behind all of our backs, going through our rooms, purposely excluding roommates from going out with each other, and fat shaming us. Also during that year, I noticed I was losing a lot of weight very fast.

Fast forward to December 2020. I was down 30 pounds from August, but I wasnt doing an exercise or dieting. fast forward again to March 2021, I was down 60 more pounds from December. In total, I lost almost 100 pounds in the span of 8 months…weighing 130 pounds. Again, I was not dieting or exercising. I maintained this weight until July 2021. I ended up moving back in with my parents for the summer because I needed a break from the city I was living in. I also noticed in the span of the 8 months, I was losing a lot (to the point where I was balding) of hair, my ankles would swell like balloons if I stood for too long, and I would easily get cold and stay cold for hours no matter what I did…so I went to the doctor and got many tests done.

on my 20th birthday last month, I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes…2 weeks before I moved back into my apartment. so in 2 weeks, I had to take a diabetes crash course so I knew how much insulin I needed to take, how many times I had to check my blood sugar, all the pills I have to take at which times in the day, what happened if my blood sugar bottoms out, possibly getting a meter surgically put into my arm, talks about getting an insulin pump put into my stomach, and more. at this point, I wanted to break my lease and stay at my parents. but I ended up moving back into my apartment and was doing great the first 2 days. but then I noticed I was having trouble walking. Hour by hour the pain was getting worse and it was limiting my walking around campus and even up my apartment steps. So, I lasted 4 days in my apartment and ended up taking a bus home to my parents house. I couldn’t walk for almost 2 weeks not knowing why. and then I eventually found out that I have gout. (if you dont know what it is, look it up) today was the first day where I could walk without full pain in my feet. I still have a limp but I’m in medication for it.

also my best friend ever (my sister) just moved out of the country and I won’t see her till possibly December.

to top it off, I am jobless, I can no longer afford rent, and I’m the most depressed I’ve been in my entire life. I feel like a burden to my family, I feel like I am missing out on my young college life, and I feel like I won’t be successful in the future.

This is the most pain I have felt, mentally and physically, ever. I quite honestly cannot handle this grief anymore. I can’t afford therapy. And I don’t know if anything will come of this. but I am willing to try ANYTHING to just get a slice of hope. Someone please tell me it gets better.