Lonely

I wish I could be a normal 23 year old. It’s never more apparent than when I’m hanging out with family or when I’m not able to do as much as others. It’s so frustrating to me that I can’t just literally sit there without feeling like crap after. And no matter what, I’m done the rest of the day. I’m physically and mentally exhausted after one day doing something out of my regular routine. It all feels so lonely, since I’m the only one in my family who is going through something like this. My parents always try to console me but I just wish I had someone who understood. I haven’t felt “normal” since before I was diagnosed with Crohn’s. Back then I was just a high schooler who loved hanging out with her cousins, shopping, and talking about 1d. I never knew something like this would happen. For a few years, I chose to see it as an opportunity for growth and tried to see the bright side of it. But now it just feels like there isn’t much to hope for. If I’m honest with myself, it just plain sucks. I always used to put on a smile and act like everything was okay when it really wasn’t, and I’m tired of playing that charade. I know there are people who are going through the same thing, but it seems like a lot of folks you see are “inspirational” and “positive” rather than just talking about how much it sucks. And so you think, am I supposed to be that way? Why am I not more positive? It just feels like I’m not part of my body and after all these years, part of me doesn’t even want to be. Sometimes I want alone time and sometimes I feel lonely as heck. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t me, because if I was someone else, I’d be able to do the things I want. I know that’s a horrible thing to think, but it just happens. I wish I didn’t feel so alone. I want to feel like it’s worth it to be going through all this, because what if it isn’t? I just need comfort. Thank you.