Newly disabled

I don't really know what to write so I'm going to try my best, I've had servere depression for most of my life & the older I'm getting the harder it is to carry on, I have a bad back & other medical problems which has made me worse as I have had to go on pip & I feel my life is over, I still live with my mum, I have never had a girlfriend, I have always felt unwanted in life, when I was younger I was put into care for 2 weeks because the man my mum was seeing beat me & they thought it was her but it wasn't (I don't really remember much) but it makes me to this day feel unwanted & throughout my life it seems a recurring theme, my natural father left my mum on her own when I was a baby, my mum had a miscarriage 3 months before she was pregant with me, I have a dad who is amazing but I can't help but feel throughtout the years at stages in my life I've always been unwanted I have never had any type of love at 33 & feel unbelievably lonely with no confidence, people tell me all the time I am wanted but I can never shake that feeling & depressing feeling, I'm on high anti-deperssants which help me sleep & calm my mood but no matter what I do I just can't stop feeling this way, this is the first time I've ever reached out to anybody or anything & I just don't feel like I can go on anymore, I feel like life is a huge chore, I find it hard to speak face to face & on the phone so I thought I'd send an email & at least try & get some type of help, I have friends who are really supportive but everyday I wake up disappointed I'm still here, I can never shake this feeling, thank you for reading this