I am still here
So i am a 37 yr old male, been on anti depressants since i was like i dunno 15, off an on. Too long lately ,and am slowly getting off my depressant because i just don't see what good it is doing me, my anti depressant never helped me to the point to where i was like, well i finally feel like i am " normal ". My anxiety medication helps with anxiety, but the depression is something for me i am seeing is a life long struggle that will need me to be just stronger than i ever have been in life. I have been moody lately too i have noticed, but thankfully not to the point where i lose control, I have seen that i been a bit too nasty to people online on another site , and i shouldn't of been, and to tell ya the truth i think part of me enjoyed it a bit too much. An i think i was being nasty in part to weening off the meds.
So I am staying away from that site now and i might not ever return to tell ya the truth, i never felt like i had " friends " and the debating and conversations are just pointless. An i don't want to keep feeding my problems by dumping my emotions in there.
I am slowly and struggling to lose weight , which i have lost so much weight before, and i realized, i was feeling a lil better, but i was still struggling emotionally. So i can not believe the hype that being thin and healthy is the major key in conquering depression, and sadly i think i will be struggling with depression for the rest of my life for a lot of issues that are deeply engrained.
I am taking being on here slowly, I have been on here off an on. If anyone has taken the time to read this, thanks, if ya can spare a hello or some kind of acknowledgment it would be appreciated. An i hope you are getting the help you need as well.
I am going to keep this as an ongoing thread if anyone wants to subscribe and or keep up with me or converse.
peace
P.S,
please excuse my typos, i meant to say anti depressant , sometimes i type too fast and do not spell check or re read my posting before i hit enter, so what i say can appear to be a bit eradict or incoherent , but i assure you all it is, is that i did not slow down . An that is what offended me on this other site, a person went off on me as being eradict an incoherent and to take the time to explain that i do not backtrack to type out my thoughts when i take a pause in typing, doesn't mean that i am " stupid or retarded ". An i know that person wont read it here, i just do not find it worth engaging that person and would rather leave a vent here.
right now i feel very, i guess sad. BUT, i am okay. I keep trying to calm my nerves through breathing exercises which does help a little. Though I worry that i have some level of OCD , i find my self having to repeat I guess what can be considered a prayer over n over really fast to i guess move past the thoughts or feelings i feel sometimes. I see how i close up when people pressure me in a negative way. meaning i will literally ignore the person rather than start flipping out. I get anxiety attacks at times now, and i cant handle being in large crowds. and i just needed to vent.
I am dealing with a hernia at the moment as well. I can see how i need to lose weight again for the 100th bloody time, just so i can't complain and beat myself up anymore about my weight. The thing is i am soooo slow now. an that is my excuse.. i have to play all these mental games and i got a find a way to circumvent the mind games or cut through it fast so i can start exercising to some degree. So for my hernia i am looking into some kind of charity surgery and hopefully i can find something, i really dont want to burden my family with the finances of it , and it would shut my brother up about how he thinks i am a mooch.
I appreciate the responses also.
I am trying to feed the kind wolf, just at times it seems the mean wolf is hungrier .
I need to really get past the mind games and sometime this week head down to the unemployment office for some kinda help hopefully at least as a referral i can use for a job. I hate and have anxiety towards putting down a former employer because he gets his rocks off by harrassing me, and it triggers me to start thinking in an aggressive manner and i do not like being aggressive at all. for so many reasons some good some are engrained to not be aggressive by the way i was brought up. But i just don't want to put my past employer down as a reference and have him end up calling me taunting me with a job offer , like he did last time, which i needed and refused because i knew the guy all to well and how he was really just setting me up. and there is more to that story but i need to keep this brief.
I am also trying to brush up my math skills. so i can test out of a prep math class and get into college algebra so i can get into a program of study i am hoping will lead to a better life, as an X-Ray tech. I think i will in time have to intern some where since i have no network in that field. I do not though want to keep working dead end jobs that only pay11 an hour, an work ya to the ground 60 hours a week at times.
60 hour work weeks are part of the reason people end up with problems in the first place ! Employers with no consideration of how they are impacting the well being of those who work for them. or just dont care.
I do not though want to be a statistic to depression and anxiety. I want my body back, i want this hernia repaired, i want a good job, and i wana kick ass again like i did when i was in the Army, but not so idioticly as i use too.
