Don't Let the Grudge In
Hey, I'm a 20something female struggling with an ED relapse right now. If any description of restricting behavior might trigger you (kept it vague but still) definitely keep yourself safe and cut it off here just in case. This disease is terrible. I''ve struggled on and off with anorexia since my late teens but have experienced years-long remission as well. I literally died twice in the same weekend at my worst, got no real formal treatment but clawed my way out with online and in person support. I've had a couple slips since then but nothing devastating... Recently though, with the raging emergence of my depression, life/relationship issues, major poverty, and a lack of access to any care (I'm broke, uninsured, and live in a remote mountain area), I've slipped again and am really struggling. I've been restricting pretty massively and the daily limits just keep getting smaller. I work 5 days a week on my feet, eat very little (like active ED amounts basically) and basically live on coffee. I know I've lost significant weight but not sure how much because I don't own a scale and there are no public ones around here. My period's late, last one was super light, I'm always freezing, can't sleep, concentration is shot, constant dizziness/trouble balancing, stomach cramps...I know I need to get back on track but it's really hard right now.Lack of money further complicates the matter... I feel guilty for any resources I use. I feel like I should save money and food for others or there won't be enough to go around. Screw me; I can deal. But maybe that's just my ED talking. I'm also at the point where it's been going on long enough that people have started assuming I just don't eat much so I feel like changing things would be super awkward and I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone about it... My depression and relationship problens are making it harder because I constantly feel like my needs don't matter and no one cares about me anyway.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to give up; I'm a fighter by nature but I don't even know where or how to begin anymore.
Hi @Msbrightside13. Well done you for starting to talk about what you are currently experiencing and for having the strength to post what I can only guess was a diffcult post to do.
It is good to hear that although this disease is terrible, you have experienced years-long remission as well. I wonder what strategies you used then to be successful in remission? And I wonder if there would be useful startegies to use in your current situation?
To have to deal with depression, life/relationship issues, major poverty, and a lack of access to any care I'm sad to hear that you are really struggling. And as you're always freezing, can't sleep, concentration gone, constant dizziness/trouble balancing, stomach cramps, I can understand you wanting to get back on track and that with all that going on that it's really hard right now. But even with all that you are still thinking about the needs of others so well done you. I know you're at the point where it's been going on for a long time so you might think that people have started assuming you just don't eat much, and I understand that you feel changing things might be awkward, but I am wondering if it would be useful to question that belief. Is it in your best interest to hold that view? Is there another way you could look at this? One that would be more useful to you?
I know that sometimes these things can be very uncomfortable to talk about, but I would like to tell you that your needs do matter and there are people here that care. Big time.
I'm glad you hear that you are a fighter and I would just like to say that although it might not feel like it, you absolutely have started!
You sound from your post that you have a very good sense of your current situation and I would like you to know that you are not alone and there is someone that cares.
I am a listener here and if you want to connect that would be brlliant, please feel free to message me if you think it might help you, or reply to this message if thats more comfortable for you.
Take care and welcome to the site.
paul
