Falling Away From Me
Allo zhere.
Gonna try to make a long story short here; bare with me. I have a problem, technically anorexia although of course I don't think I'm that bad (I know nobody does). I've been in full remission for extensive periods of time and I'm a huge fan of recovery. It's way the hell better. That said, I have been struggling with a relapse for a few months and I'm at the point where people are getting concerned. Idgaf about myself as much but it's always excruciating to see people who love me get worried. Truth be told, I think anorexia is total bullshit and I hate what it does to me. However, as I am only slightly underweight, I don't feel like I warrant trying to get better. Like I just haven't paid my dues yet. I hate myself with a flaming passion and don't think I deserve anything in the world. I'm an objective piece of crap as a human. But I have an amazing fiance and an incredible son (don't have custody but still in his life). My dad and sister are worried too. My dad sat me down amd told me I was getting way too thin and need to eat more, etc... I feel so awful because he saw me at my sickest years ago when I literally died in the ICU. I can't imagine how scary it must be on the other side.... I've been trying to fight it as much as I can right now but Ed never shuts up and he always seems to have an accurate assessment of me. I also feel like being "thin" is my only redeeming quality and if I gain weight I'll have nothing. I mean, I really am a total POS otherwise... I probably could stand some help but I'm uninsured and poor in a rural area with no community support or transportation, so this is all I've got.
So much for making a long story short. Thanks for taking the time for me to whine on here. Any advice or support or a brick to the head is more than welcome.
@Msbrightside13
Hi. Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like there is a lot going for you right now.
I have a problem - this is the bit that counts, for me it doesn't matter what name you give it, but there is something which you are not happy with is what matters
I've been in full remission for extensive periods of time and I'm a huge fan of recovery - WELL DONE you, I know it can be hard and a real battle at times and congrats on taking those steps that you needed to do.
I have been struggling with a relapse for a few months - I am sad to hear this for you, but also well done for being so aware of how it affects those around you, and being awrae of how that makes you feel. Shows you to be a real caring person.
I don't feel like I warrant trying to get better - this could be key. Its hard to read what follows next in your post, I might be reading it wrong but there seems to be a lack of self-love and respect here. Yet at the same time you are really beating yourself up, saying things to yourself that you probably wouldn't say to anyone else. yet still really concrened how others must feel watching you in this situation.
I also feel like being "thin" is my only redeeming quality and if I gain weight I'll have nothing. I mean, - I get what you mean, and that feeling comes thoughts you may be having. It would be interesting to know what those thougths are. And maybe those thougths are what need to be challenged and changed.
I probably could stand some help - I am listener here and offer long term support. If you think it would help you or you would find it useful then please feel free to message me, or reply to this if you are more comfortable with that. However I am sorry but I am right out of bricks!
Take care
paul
