Finding myself slipping back into unhealthy habits...
Hello Everyone,
A couple of years ago I found myself suffering from anorexia. I wouldn't eat for days at a time and then when I had to eat due to my family becoming aware of this and the fact I didn't want to give anything away I would purge the food out of my body. 2016 was the worse year by far. I was at a low weight and combined with the stress of important exams I was becoming more ill. I was getting migraines (I still get them a lot), my body was aching, I would get faint - all because I wouldn't eat much. My friends became aware of the fact I was skipping lunch at this time and began to worry and make me eat - so I would eat one lunchtime a week and then purge as soon as I got the chance.
Over the summer - my eating habits changed because I got to do what I want when I wanted - so I was eating very small amounts at different times - but I was eating and that what mattered. My friends that knew kept saying how proud they were which made me happy. But it soon became time to start college. It was a new college a couple of towns over - so I didn't know anyone. Since then I have found myself slipping back into my old habits. I don't eat lunch ever. Nobody notices - some of my new friends make the odd comment about how I am not eating or I should eat but other than that it just goes so i don't feel uncomfortable. I don't eat breakfast - I don't like eating in the morning as I feel sick during this time. Then because of my shruken appitite even if I do try and eat my dinner it isn't much.
I still workout multiple times a day - and walk to and from college the days I need to be in - 3 days a week- which is a 2 hour walk (7 miles). After I exercise I feel a little faint but I know that it is because I am losing weight. I am becoming obsessed with my weight again like I was when I was at my worse.
I think my teacher has started to notice because today after my lesson we were walking out and she was walking with us speaking to one of my friends. We then walked past the student support centre (where they have fruit out 2 days a week to promote healthy eaitng) and she picked me up some fruit and told me I had to eat it. I didn't. Which my friends made sure to tell her. I wish I wasn't this caught up about it but I can't help it.
Is this a cause of concern? Or is this natural? I don't like eating in front of people, so it this an explanation? What should I do? My parents don't know about any of this - including how bad it got last year - so I really don't want them involved but I don't know how to stop my thoughts from thinking about my weight and food :(
Thank you in advance :)
@myparalleluniverse
Hello there!
I'm so glad that things turned around for you during the Summer! That is such a huge sucess-and I hope that you're proud of yourself for being able to push yourself to that point. I know that you're at a lower point right now, just know that in recovery we're going to have times that we might "slip" or relapse but one important aspect is that you don't see yourself as a failure. You're such a strong person, you were able to overcome this before, and I have no doubt you can get back up and do it again!
I think that an important thing right now is just that you're able to eat something, anything. It can be a piece of fruit, a granola bar, or even a smoothy or something. Your body needs food/fuel in order to function, and if it doesn't have that it starts to break down the good fats we have stored in our bodies.
Do you have a therapist you see that can maybe help you talk through what triggered your ED? Also, a dietition is a good resource to have-maybe they can help you come up with a sensible meal plan you can both agree on. I know that it can be hard to get back into eating sensible portions that are good for your body, so maybe starting out small can make that transition a little easier. The teacher you mentioned, is that someone you trust and maybe someone you can talk to and ask for help or resources if you aren't able to see a therapist/diatition?
Working out can be a healthy outlet, but in moderation. You don't want to over do it or push yourself to far, especially if you aren't getting the proper nutrition your body needs. I hate that you feel like you're back to how you felt when you were at your worse, I think now would be a great time to reach out to someone who can help you, talk with you, and support you. Someone who can help you get to the bottom of why you are having these feelings and why you don't feel comfortable eating in front of people. On the surface it might not seem like there's a reason behind what you are doing, but maybe deep down there's something that happend or something someone said-that has stuck with you and is making you think you can't eat or making you feel the need to lose weight.
Take care and I wish you all the best!
Feel free to connect with any of our wonderful listeners-you're more than welcome to message me if you ever want to talk!
@Teasley4031
Hello, Thank you for your reply! I appreciate the fact that you took your time to reply :) Most of the time I do eat something in the evenings - it is usually small and i usually purge afterwards but i do eat something. But i can't bring myself to eat at lunch or in the mornings at all. Sometimes I bring lunch to college with me but end up throwing it away because I can't eat it.
Unfortuantly, I do not have a therapist I can speak to. My parents don't know how much I am suffering and they don't really understand or care, and I am unable to afford a therapist myself so I am kind of stuck. Same with a dietition, I have thought about it but at the moment it is not a realistic option considering I do not work.
Just before christmas, I was supporting one of my friends at college whilst she was speaking to our school councillor and in a passing comment my friend mentioned that I was not sleeping and some other things and the councillor told all my tutors without mentioning it to me first. So I would now not trust anyone at the college. Also because I am under 18, they are legally required to get my parents involved so I wouldn't feel comfortble speaking to my tutor about it.
Yeah I agree. Working out helps a lot with how I feel and always has - but sometimes I can't stop even when I start to feel faint. I just get the urge that I need to work out - I know that sounds absoultely crazy haha.
Once again thank you so much for your reply! I think I will connect to one of the listeners on here and maybe look into seeking more support without my parents involvement. :)
I am currently in treatment for anorexia and it fucking sucks. I miss being at my lowest weight. I miss people saying I looked sick. I miss it all but I know I can't not eat or they'll send me to get tubed. :((
hi
so um ive been dealing with bad body image and awful eating habits since august of last year
around january i decided i was going to try and eat more
but then my 'eating a little more' turned into a bad binge that lasted for about a month which ended up with me gaining sixteen pounds
i started feeling guilty again about everything i ate
constantly telling myself that if i ate anything it would just make me gain more weight
im terrified and i feel disgusting and ive been starving myself again since last week
ive tried purging a couple times but thats never worked
im in a worst place than i think i ever have been
i have one friend but she isnt the most serious and doesnt notice when im not eating lunch and whatnot
shes constantly going off about how thin she is and how she thinks its 'unhealthy' how skinny she is which always makes me really really upset
the only person who knows is my wonderful girlfriend who has been helping me through this since i started
she doesnt know ive been starving myself again but i think shes starting to notice how im not eating lunch anymore
im 140 pounds and 5'4", and im 14 years old
im trying to get myself out of this
i really just feel like im not as bad as everybody else
im not quite sure what i have would be considered anorexia anyway
i would always eat atleast a little bit at a time
ive never fasted longer than a day before
i always hear about people saying "i didnt eat anything for three days" and im just to the point of me trying to push myself that far
im just really struggling right now and i dont know what else to do