I can't let this illness go.. even though i really want to.

Hi everyone!

My name is Lara, i am 16 years old and i have an eating disorder..I am anorexic since 2 years now and my weight is constantly changing. I've got phases in which i am just binging and phases in which i am starving for a long time and it doesn't stop. I lost [weight edited by 24Help1]kg from my highest weight and gained [weight edited by 24Help1]kg back because of these binges. If i see skinnier girls i usually feel ashamed and now i just want to lose [weight edited by 24Help1]kg again. I feel ''devil'' through having these thoughts, but i can't change them. I want to get healthy on one hand, yes. But i can't imagine a life without weighting myself or count calories (even if i don't count them exactly anymore). However.. my mind is going crazy and i just don't know what to do..�