I'm on that verge (ED Trigger)
I always think of my weight and food 24/7. But now I'm scared I'm slipping and I'm already affecting those around me even though I've just started losing it. Do I just eat to make everybody happy and stay unhappy or do I do what I want?
@takemeback1993
No, you shouldn't eat just to make others happy.. you should do it to keep yourself - happy, alive, strong, nutritious, & focus.
If you don't think you can do this, then you should talk about it with your doctors and find a plan and strategies to get you there. It might be scary that you are losing weight and people are noticing, but you have to make decisions that is best for yourself and your wellbeing.
I'm sure these people in your life, just want you to be happy but at the end of the day a health professional might be the best person to guide you.
I feel like I need to elaborate on everything. I'm just so all over the place right now. I'm slowly becoming lower and I don't want to go down that dark hole again. I've battled with depression for years. I'm 23 and I haven't seen my family in 3 years as of today, so I guess that's partly why I'm freaking out. Time going by so fast, me still not doing anything with my life. I put on weight since being away from them. I was [edited by Anomalia to remove weight specifics/triggers] but lately I lost a few lbs, haven't done anything drastic, just cut out stuff and exercised a bit more and now I'm [edited]. It was my birthday over a week ago and my mom sent me some clothes. I just tried on one of the clothes today and it got stuck as I'm losing weight but slowly. I got upset and freaked out at my husband - just burst in to tears and he was trying to comfort me but then it affected him during the day and he didn't know how to handle me because I had said how we can't go out to eat anymore because I'm fat. I didn't mean for him to feel bad, I just needed to express how I feel about myself. I wish people could be inside my mind for a few minutes so they could understand. We were kinda fighting earlier and he was upset that we wasted a day but then we went out to eat and calmed down and he was being sympathetic. After eating a bit I had to go to the bathroom to throw up (not on purpose, I swear, I think the anxiety was just too much for me) and then part of me felt good that the food I ate came out but another part of me felt guilty for wasting it.
@takemeback1993 I understand you. I promise.
@takemeback1993 - Hi lovely, first of all, thank you for sharing your story here. I know it can take a lot of courage to open up about how things are going and reach out for support, and I'm really proud of you for doing it. I've edited out the specific weights in your posts to make sure they don't accidentally trigger anyone and wanted to let you know so you weren't confused by the edits! :)
If you ever want to talk about what's been going on or need some extra support, don't hesitate to reach out. Take care!
@Anomalia oh okay, thank you! I'm a noob still. :)
I'm 5'3 and I'm not sure what I was before I left home, maybe [edited by Anomalia to remove weight specifics]? Also, my dad is very critical of me. If he thought I was getting fat, he would tell me and his relatives, also, right in front of me. He also is obsessed that I should go to university and be academic and the thing is, I can't because it's expensive and I don't even know who I am or what I should do with my life! I can just hear him saying to me "3 years and all you've done is gotten fatter. No degree. Nothing." I can just hear him saying that to me if I ever went back home. I'm from the UK but I live in the USA now with my husband. My family didn't want me to meet him, that's why I ran away.
Anyway, I suppose today I should have been happy with myself that I've gone down to [edited] rather than being upset that I didn't fit in the dress, yet. I just find it difficult to have hope and think positive these days. Like 6 months ago, I was the opposite. Now I'm scared that I'm going back to my old ways. I know I have issues and I should probably see someone. I've just had bad experiences with that, too.
@takemeback1993 what bad experiences do you have with seeing someone? Do you feel like you are defined by your weight? It sounds like you are under a lot of stress and anxiety and I'm hoping for the best. What steps can you take to take care of yourself?
@imwithhealthtoo yes, I am under stress and have anxiety right now in my life. People tell me they don't know why but anybody, whoever they are, can go through mental health problems, unfortunately. The issue I have with seeing someone is that when I was 12-13, my parents were going through a messy divorce and my mom decided to take me to CAMHS (Child Adolescent Mental Health Service) and I used to see a psychologist who I liked a lot while my mom used to see the psychiatrist to talk about me. IMO that was ridiculous because I think a psychiatrist should see the patient, at least much more than she did. But anyway, my mom started to try and get them to diagnose me with disorders. The disorder she tried the most was autism. She would fabricate stuff and I'm wondering if she has Münchausen syndrome by proxy. She never made me physically sick, just made up stuff about my mental health. They never diagnosed me, of course, I stopped going when I felt like I wasn't being helped because of my mom. But when I went to the doctors 3 years ago for depression, about 5 months before I left home, they brought it up because it showed in my records. I told them they never formally diagnosed me with anything and the doctor had to read it f*ing twice to realize that. Having it brought up was like a trauma trigger for me which sounds odd but having a mom doing something like that, especially during a divorce, is traumatizing.
@imwithhealthtoo sorry, had a lot of stuff to write to have to write 2 posts! Now that I'm in another country, I know my records won't get brought up because they don't have it, I just fear that going to therapy will still remind me of it, but maybe it won't. I just am very paranoid of doctors and therapists these days. I feel like a lot of them are just interested in money. I guess I do feel like my weight defines me. I know that personality matters much more, it's just that I care too much about how I look. I think I might have body dysmorphia along with other things - not what my mom thinks, though!
@takemeback1993 oh wow! You have been through so much and I'm very sorry your mom tried to intervene so much with your mental health, causing the paranoia you feel now. It can help to let a therapist know about your experience and that you still have fears of it, if you ever choose to go. And, unfortunately, although we may know logically that personality matters more, our anxiety overpowers it. I wish you the best with whatever decision you make!
