I’m scared of going home
Hi, I have been struggling in a binge/restrict circle for a while now, but for the past month I think I have been developing Anorexia, I rarely binge, and if I do, it’s not large amounts. I’m not the same kind of hungry that I used to be, I don’t have to try as hard to not eat anymore, restricting feels easy and rewarding.
Anyways, I’m going home to my parents for Easter holiday at the end of this week, and my mom tends to make me a lot of food, because she knows I have been struggling with body image ever since growing up and she thinks I’m underweight, although I don’t think we have ever discussed it.
I actually feel pretty comfortable with my restricting, I’m finally getting closer to my goal, I don’t feel sick from eating too much anymore. But I’m scared I’ll fall back into that pattern when I’m going home to a kitchen full of my favorite foods. I’m scared I won’t be able to hide my restricting, that I have to eat in front of others. I’m scared I’ll go back to purging. And I’m scared my mom will notice my behavior and relationship around food, when I’ve been telling her I’m doing better. I’m not ready for recovery, but I don’t want another relapse.
Not sure what the point of this post is, but I’ve been stressing about going home for a while now and it’s really exhausting.
@MadeOfSteristrips It sounds like you have been facing a lot of difficulty with your disordered eating, and it's making you want to avoid triggers. First, I want you to know that you are not alone in this. EDs are so exhausting and can make you feel tense and afraid of anything that might cause you to eat more and feel that discomfort. Also, symptom substitution is very common, but it's important to know that restricting is not better for your mind or your body than binging, even though it is often praised by society and ED culture.
Avoiding social events is a sign that your ED is gaining a bigger role in your life, and that is a path that tends to only increase over time. I don't want you to feel judged, especially not in a space like this where people are welcomed to be open, but I want you to know that no one ever feels ready to recover, and there are resources here that can help you begin healing sooner rather than later!
If you have made it this far with an ED, you already know that you are strong mentally. You are facing a lot, but you can always choose your own path!
