Please help me recover? I'm desperate
I'm new here, so if anyone has any support they'd like to extend my way, that would be really appreciated.
First off, I'll put a TW here as to warn those who are fragile & more vulnerable because I respect and wholeheartedly understand where you stand as I've been there. I do empathize with you. I'll also post a warning because I only want those who are motivated, or truly recovered, healthy mind-set individuals to extend their wisdom and support. I unfortunately cannot afford to be subjected to a vile mind because I'm slipping back into those behaviors & I am very sick. I want to stop myself & change for the sake of my wellbeing. Thanks for understanding.
My story in a nutshell (as it's too long & more importantly, in the past & not where I want to be today) is that i've been battling anorexia nervosa for about 4 years. I had a brief recovery period for 9 months last year into earlier this year when I relapsed both physically & mentally. I was doing so great during my recovery period & want desperately to get back there but for some reason my mind is so distorted and I can't seem get out of this "rut." Though my physical recovery has resumed itself (I gained back the 6+ lbs that fell off during relapse, which doesn't sound like a lot but I'm naturally tiny so each pound really counts before I start looking emaciated). I don't even know how much I weighed pre-ED but I assume around [edited for weight specifics / triggers by forum mentor] at 5'3. In the span of a few short weeks/months I went down to [edited] & then back to [edited] where I remained for some-odd years. This lasted until last year when I decided to recover after a health scare & got myself back to [edited], which felt great but I was still experiencing loss of menstruation, which suggests to me that I still didn't weight enough, perhaps? Any input here?? Was I not truly 'recovered'? Well, long story short I relapsed back down to [edited] something lbs and now I'm back at it at [edited] and got my period after taking a dose of birth control from my dr last month. I don't even know if I'll get my period naturally next month at this weight because I am not taking the birth control again. If I don't get it again, I'll be really, really upset. I really fear that would be a red flag.. My dr does not know I have anorexia & although we discussed my restrictive eating behaviors she never considered anorexia, nor asked me about it, or recommended any kind of professional help whatsoever regarding an ED. I am appalled at how little doctors know about disordered eating...
The thing is, I want to recover. I am so exhausted mentally and it's wearing on me. I feel like I've wasted these years of my life due to my behaviors and yet I can't let them go. I can't seem to rid myself of this anorexia identity no matter how hard I try. And dammit I am trying so hard. It's such a yo-yo process with being motivated, ready & determined to fight & quit these behaviors and yet I'll still choose one of my "safe" meals or severely limit what I really crave because of what I've "already eaten" that day. I can't live this way forever.. What adult acts in this way? While I feel better physically now & can fill out my clothes a little better I'm still wearing size [edited] at 20 something years old. People comment that I'm "barely there/exist" (I've had this comment twice in one day, and it broke my heart). I have an infection that would take a healthy person maybe 5 days to get over, but it's taking me upwards of 2+ weeks.
I don't know what to do. While physically I don't look as "terrible" as I have in the past, my mentality is unhealthy. I cut my food into small pieces & eat slow as to "make it last" and get upset by disrupt in my routine. I am TIRED of mentally figuring what I "can" & "cannot" eat in regards to what I ate yesterday, earlier that day or will consume tomororw. I don't want to think of the word "carbs" or "fat" anymore - I'm drained of that. I want to cry everyday and I probably do. I feel like I don't know how to eat & find myself doing more & more "weird" things in regards to eating. I hate eating with certain people & all I can remember at the end of dinner is how loud my thoughts about if I was eating enough, if I took enough xx, if I ate too fast, too slow, etc. I want to eat how I ate years ago & I don't know what happened to that girl. I can hardly remember her.
I've never had professional help as only my mother knows of my struggles. What do I do? Do I still need help? I feel "recovered" physically but only eat [edited] (that's a stretch, really) calories per day and Don't want to increase & get fat. Now I know that's disordered but it's how I feel.
Someone told me they would kill to look like me (they don't know of my ed) and my heart shattered because that's exactly what I did.. I killed myself to look this way.
That comment has stuck with me into infinity.
Please help & share personal experience. I just want to get better. Thank you.
You are absolutely so amazing. Keep going. I went through this same situation.. I recommend getting therapy or continuing it. It helped me so much! Say strong gorgeous you are more than this: "Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that youve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you cant wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid its like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didnt exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long days work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, theres no need for continuous conversation, but you find youre quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that theres a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure thats so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."
— Bob Marley