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Does this sound like depression.? Please help..

Depression Support / by m3tr0st4t10n

January 22nd, 2016

...See more It's really a long story, so i'll just give the nutshell for now.. About 4 years ago I was forced to stop talking to/being in my online relationship because my mother did not approve of it. When she had asked me if I really loved the person I was talking to I panicked & replied no.. I wish I had said yes. I wish I had stood up for myself and for us because I did and I am almost certain I still do. She almost scared me into not being with them anymore, and I do love my mother very, very much & we are very close, especially now that I am not in a relationship anymore.. Anyway, a few months after that I entered almost what I call a "panic" wherein I've had to be with my mother 24/7 since & feel that if I am not that she will replace me and I'll have no one.. So Im always with her. I'm bitter toward everyone else, when I used to be close with a lot of other people. Now I"m just so fxckin irritated that I can't even deal with it anymore. SInce then I've also radically changed in my appearance.. I used to be extremely tom-boyish and into heavy metal music.. Now i'm extremely feminine & really, i hate it. I wonder if i used that as a way to cover up how I really feel. I felt that I had to almost 'win my mother over' so she would still love me. I hate having a chest. So I starved myself and lost so much weight that it disappeared, but my ED is a different story. I miss how I used to dress & my old style. I feel now that people would just think I'm crazy.. I feel so indecisive it makes me shudder. I'm tired of crying.. And all this started after I had to leave him. Worst of all, my grades dropped almost 360.. That nearly kills me. I'm safe, so please don't worry.. I just don't know what to do & these thoughts won't go away. I'm exhausted by my own mind. Can anyone please help? What is going on?

PLEASE help me recover? I'm desperate

Eating Disorder Support / by m3tr0st4t10n

September 15th, 2015

...See more I'm new here, so if anyone has any support they'd like to extend my way, that would be really appreciated. I posted this also on the anorexia thread but I'm really desperate & have received no replies yet & really, really need some guidance. First off, I'll put a TW here as to warn those who are fragile & more vulnerable because I respect and wholeheartedly understand where you stand as I've been there. I do empathize with you. I'll also post a warning because I only want those who are motivated, or truly recovered, healthy mind-set individuals to extend their wisdom and support. I unfortunately cannot afford to be subjected to a vile mind because I'm slipping back into those behaviors & I am very sick. I want to stop myself & change for the sake of my wellbeing. Thanks for understanding. My story in a nutshell (as it's too long & more importantly, in the past & not where I want to be today) is that i've been battling anorexia nervosa for about 4 years. I had a brief recovery period for 9 months last year into earlier this year when I relapsed both physically & mentally. I was doing so great during my recovery period & want desperately to get back there but for some reason my mind is so distorted and I can't seem get out of this "rut." Though my physical recovery has resumed itself (I gained back the 6+ lbs that fell off during relapse, which doesn't sound like a lot but I'm naturally tiny so each pound really counts before I start looking emaciated). I don't even know how much I weighed pre-ED but I assume around [edited for weight specifics / triggers by forum mentor] at 5'3. In the span of a few short weeks/months I went down to [edited] & then back to [edited] where I remained for some-odd years. This lasted until last year when I decided to recover after a health scare & got myself back to [edited], which felt great but I was still experiencing loss of menstruation, which suggests to me that I still didn't weight enough, perhaps? Any input here?? Was I not truly 'recovered'? Well, long story short I relapsed back down to 90 something lbs and now I'm back at it at [edited] and got my period after taking a dose of birth control from my dr last month. I don't even know if I'll get my period naturally next month at this weight because I am not taking the birth control again. If I don't get it again, I'll be really, really upset. I really fear that would be a red flag.. My dr does not know I have anorexia & although we discussed my restrictive eating behaviors she never considered anorexia, nor asked me about it, or recommended any kind of professional help whatsoever regarding an ED. I am appalled at how little doctors know about disordered eating... The thing is, I want to recover. I am so exhausted mentally and it's wearing on me. I feel like I've wasted these years of my life due to my behaviors and yet I can't let them go. I can't seem to rid myself of this anorexia identity no matter how hard I try. And dammit I am trying so hard. It's such a yo-yo process with being motivated, ready & determined to fight & quit these behaviors and yet I'll still choose one of my "safe" meals or severely limit what I really crave because of what I've "already eaten" that day. I can't live this way forever.. What adult acts in this way? While I feel better physically now & can fill out my clothes a little better I'm still wearing size 0 at 20 something years old. People comment that I'm "barely there/exist" (I've had this comment twice in one day, and it broke my heart). I have an infection that would take a healthy person maybe 5 days to get over, but it's taking me upwards of 2+ weeks. I don't know what to do. While physically I don't look as "terrible" as I have in the past, my mentality is unhealthy. I cut my food into small pieces & eat slow as to "make it last" and get upset by disrupt in my routine. I am TIRED of mentally figuring what I "can" & "cannot" eat in regards to what I ate yesterday, earlier that day or will consume tomororw. I don't want to think of the word "carbs" or "fat" anymore - I'm drained of that. I want to cry everyday and I probably do. I feel like I don't know how to eat & find myself doing more & more "weird" things in regards to eating. I hate eating with certain people & all I can remember at the end of dinner is how loud my thoughts about if I was eating enough, if I took enough xx, if I ate too fast, too slow, etc. I want to eat how I ate years ago & I don't know what happened to that girl. I can hardly remember her. I've never had professional help as only my mother knows of my struggles. What do I do? Do I still need help? I feel "recovered" physically but only eat [edited] (that's a stretch, really) calories per day and Don't want to increase & get fat. Now I know that's disordered but it's how I feel. Someone told me they would kill to look like me (they don't know of my ed) and my heart shattered because that's exactly what I did.. I killed myself to look this way. That comment has stuck with me into infinity. Please help & share personal experience. I just want to get better. Thank you.

Please help me recover? I'm desperate

Eating Disorder Support / by m3tr0st4t10n

September 9th, 2015

...See more I'm new here, so if anyone has any support they'd like to extend my way, that would be really appreciated. First off, I'll put a TW here as to warn those who are fragile & more vulnerable because I respect and wholeheartedly understand where you stand as I've been there. I do empathize with you. I'll also post a warning because I only want those who are motivated, or truly recovered, healthy mind-set individuals to extend their wisdom and support. I unfortunately cannot afford to be subjected to a vile mind because I'm slipping back into those behaviors & I am very sick. I want to stop myself & change for the sake of my wellbeing. Thanks for understanding. My story in a nutshell (as it's too long & more importantly, in the past & not where I want to be today) is that i've been battling anorexia nervosa for about 4 years. I had a brief recovery period for 9 months last year into earlier this year when I relapsed both physically & mentally. I was doing so great during my recovery period & want desperately to get back there but for some reason my mind is so distorted and I can't seem get out of this "rut." Though my physical recovery has resumed itself (I gained back the 6+ lbs that fell off during relapse, which doesn't sound like a lot but I'm naturally tiny so each pound really counts before I start looking emaciated). I don't even know how much I weighed pre-ED but I assume around [edited for weight specifics / triggers by forum mentor] at 5'3. In the span of a few short weeks/months I went down to [edited] & then back to [edited] where I remained for some-odd years. This lasted until last year when I decided to recover after a health scare & got myself back to [edited], which felt great but I was still experiencing loss of menstruation, which suggests to me that I still didn't weight enough, perhaps? Any input here?? Was I not truly 'recovered'? Well, long story short I relapsed back down to [edited] something lbs and now I'm back at it at [edited] and got my period after taking a dose of birth control from my dr last month. I don't even know if I'll get my period naturally next month at this weight because I am not taking the birth control again. If I don't get it again, I'll be really, really upset. I really fear that would be a red flag.. My dr does not know I have anorexia & although we discussed my restrictive eating behaviors she never considered anorexia, nor asked me about it, or recommended any kind of professional help whatsoever regarding an ED. I am appalled at how little doctors know about disordered eating... The thing is, I want to recover. I am so exhausted mentally and it's wearing on me. I feel like I've wasted these years of my life due to my behaviors and yet I can't let them go. I can't seem to rid myself of this anorexia identity no matter how hard I try. And dammit I am trying so hard. It's such a yo-yo process with being motivated, ready & determined to fight & quit these behaviors and yet I'll still choose one of my "safe" meals or severely limit what I really crave because of what I've "already eaten" that day. I can't live this way forever.. What adult acts in this way? While I feel better physically now & can fill out my clothes a little better I'm still wearing size [edited] at 20 something years old. People comment that I'm "barely there/exist" (I've had this comment twice in one day, and it broke my heart). I have an infection that would take a healthy person maybe 5 days to get over, but it's taking me upwards of 2+ weeks. I don't know what to do. While physically I don't look as "terrible" as I have in the past, my mentality is unhealthy. I cut my food into small pieces & eat slow as to "make it last" and get upset by disrupt in my routine. I am TIRED of mentally figuring what I "can" & "cannot" eat in regards to what I ate yesterday, earlier that day or will consume tomororw. I don't want to think of the word "carbs" or "fat" anymore - I'm drained of that. I want to cry everyday and I probably do. I feel like I don't know how to eat & find myself doing more & more "weird" things in regards to eating. I hate eating with certain people & all I can remember at the end of dinner is how loud my thoughts about if I was eating enough, if I took enough xx, if I ate too fast, too slow, etc. I want to eat how I ate years ago & I don't know what happened to that girl. I can hardly remember her. I've never had professional help as only my mother knows of my struggles. What do I do? Do I still need help? I feel "recovered" physically but only eat [edited] (that's a stretch, really) calories per day and Don't want to increase & get fat. Now I know that's disordered but it's how I feel. Someone told me they would kill to look like me (they don't know of my ed) and my heart shattered because that's exactly what I did.. I killed myself to look this way. That comment has stuck with me into infinity. Please help & share personal experience. I just want to get better. Thank you.

Anorexia Recovery Help?

Eating Disorder Support / by m3tr0st4t10n

May 27th, 2015

...See more Hello. I really don't know where to start but i'll briefly introduce myself & my situation. In late 2011 I first noticed/displayed behaviors that later evolved into full blown anorexia in January 2012. From Jan 2012 - July 2014 I suffered with this mental illness in countless, horrible ways & only my mother knew this. Well July 2014 I began my road to recovery after a health scare that was attributable to anorexia that involved a constant, fast-paced heart palpitation. It would be an understatement to say that it scared the shit out of me, which is why I began my path to recovery. Fast forward to March of 2015 when I started feeling myself slip.. Two months later and I am acknowledging behaviors of a relapse, though my weight hasn't fallen to my lowest point. (I won't share numbers here). I think I've lost between 5-8 lbs since late March/Early April due to restrictive behaviors and the like. I've never been one to starve myself completely (i.e. never gone a complete day without eating, only severely, severely compromised and restricted my meals & portions) and I don't have obsessive exercise tendencies terribly so. I'm here because I don't know what to do. I am acknowledging that I have a problem, & that even if my physical weight doesn't seriously show it, my mental status is skeletal. I feel retarded, like a small child even, when it comes to portioning out my own food.. And I'm a 20-some-odd year old. I'm constantly doing body-checks or worrying about how I look to others, and in comparison to others. I don't think I'm fat - I know I'm damn skinny.. even after recovery I was because I have a petite frame; I'm not even a centimeter over 5'2". I just don't know how to be without these behaviors..They've dictated my life for years upon years. They became my bible. I have never talked to any therapist, nutritionist, dietitician etc because I never had this checked out since it was only ever between my mother and I in my house. My father would probably think I was a freak-show so I'm not even about to let him in on this. My regular doctor is the only person who ever spoke the terms "eating disorder" to me after my exam last July for my weird heartbeat. I vowed to get better, and I did. I don't know how I could have stepped backwards now but I don't want to watch myself fall in reverse and I downright refuse to. This seems rather relative but how do I get better? I would love to just adopt a meal plan myself but like I said, I don't know how to portion food.. I take what I think is "A LOT" and then reflect as I sit down and think "..is this enough?" It's a constant tug-of-war in my mind and I have horrible anxiety issues because of this. I can't sleep at night. I go from one extreme to the next like wanting to be established and my own person to never wanting to leave my mother's side. I have become extremely close to her and don't want to share her with anyone or even leave to go to work because I'm afraid to be without her. What the hell is this?? I'm afraid to go talk to someone because I don't want to regret it later, feeling as though I'm being "watched" and that anorexia is on my transcript to life forevermore after that. Please help me. Thanks Any personal testimony is definitely encouraged and celebrated.

Relapse?

Eating Disorder Support / by m3tr0st4t10n

June 8th, 2015

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