i feel too old to struggle with anorexia

i've always been super conscious of my weight. i would monitor the scale in my bathroom 5-8 times a day. i weighed about (edited by EssenceOfHope for mentioning specific weight counts) when i was 13, and now that i'm 20, my lowest has been (edited by EssenceOfHope for mentioning specific weight counts) . i feel myself climbing back up into the (edited by EssenceOfhope for mentioning specific weight counts) and it makes me suicidal. i drown in guilt with every bite i take. i wouldnt mind, but having lost so much weight so fast and unhealthily, my stomach is a floppy undesirable mess. i look like ive had a c-section. my biggest fear is being stuck in this body forever, and i hate feeling this way. i'm depressed before i even open my eyes in the morning because i know i'm going to dread getting dressed, looking in the mirror, struggling to feel comfortable. i cant afford counseling, and being old enough & smart enough to know better, i can't exactly talk to anyone about it. the common response is "body dismorphia, you look fine.", but thats hard to accept when you consider suicide twice a day because you cant deal with being so miserable with your own appearance. i thought i was recovering from my anorexia, but all i can think about right now is eating 3 laxatives and fasting for the next 3 days.