vent . no numbers mentioned

i dont fit the usual ‘look’ people expect for anorexia, i eat under my maintenance but i look like i eat because i’m strategic about choosing food that are good for my energy, i’ve lost weight but i don’t look sick. i hate that. my own parents claimed i dont have an ed just because i eat infront of them and ‘arent anorexic people supposed to never eat??¿¿!!’ which is ridiculous. i wish i looked sick so people would believe me/worry. i need help with someone who’ll atleast listen because i don’t want to recover (please don’t suggest it i’ll literally panic.) and i’m so scared to tell anyone. only one friend knows and he doesn’t know a lot about this and i feel like a burden constantly bringing up random things about my struggles only to him. today i almost cried bec we had a reading passage about eds and my thin friend w a fast metabolism was so shocked that people did this and said she felt so much pity for people going through that but she said it in such a joking way while i literally had to dig my nails into my palm not to cry while the professor said people with eating disorders are weak because they can’t deal with life’s struggles. i’m sorry for the long post but i’m just so tired of being invisible. i’m scared to tell my friends because they might force me to eat or react badly and i think i told my parents about three times and they shrug it off everytime. i’m scared but i’d do anything to be seen because i’m tired of jumping through imaginary hoops my mind set for me that’ll somehow make people realize something’s wrong with me. also, i feel invalid when i see someone like the friend i mentioned with the fast metabolism look sicker than i am even though she eats regularly while i don’t eat at all. how come i look like i eat three breakfasts when i dont eat at all? this has been going on for so long i don’t understand what i’m supposed to do to make it real anymore. i’m tired i just want someone to see me