Don’t know where to start

I’ve been on the heavier side of the scale ever since I was a teen, and I just was always hungry… I thought it was simply lack of self discipline which lead me to being unable to control my cravings and nothing else… up until recently when I figured it could be binge eating, yet I’m not sure and can’t afford to get professional help.

I eat uncontrollably at times, and my life is super affected by it.

Earlier I was not super conscious about my weight, but since the past five- six years I’ve been really struggling with body image. Around two years back, due to some incidents, I really got into exercising and dieting, and tried Keto vegan bunch of other stuff, and lost quite a lot of weight.

but it didn’t last long, I gained back much of it in 2022 and that makes me feel horrible. But the truth is even when I had lost weight I still didn’t feel like I was thin enough. I still felt like the monster in the room, just wanting to hide. And now it has gotten super worse. I literally don’t want to get out of my house. I miss events because I have no clothes and I don’t want to go and embarrass myself since I know I don’t look good. I feel like everyone is judging me for my weight. Just recently, I missed a wedding reception because I was feeling so conscious, and just didn’t want anyone to look at me. My friends kept asking me to go to a concert with them but I gave lame excuses, but really it’s because I feel like a fat pig and don’t wanna go there looking at all the well dressed beautiful girls.

I have a boyfriend and even though he’s super sweet to me at all times, sometimes I feel guilty, like somehow I did something wrong since he didn’t meet me when I was like this and this is not who he fell in love with….

And I can’t talk to anyone about it, since even the thought of that makes me even more humiliated. I really hate my body and wish I could just be thin again.