I don't know what to do.
I have had a lot of emotional upheaval going on lately, in the past four months, and in that time I've noticed I've been eating more and more. Don't get me wrong, I was never "thin". For most of my teenage years I was a size 14-16 (UK Size), and then around about when I was 17, I went into sizes 18.
The store I shop in for clothes is kinda weird with sizes. It's always one size too small so that means you have to buy in the next size up, meaning I would have to buy size 20's. That made me feel terrible, even if it wasn't my actual size. I'm 18 now, and I can't fit into the clothes I wore in Summer, and it's only October. So I was telling a friend, who said for most of her teenage years, she had BED. I didn't even know what it was - at first I thought it was Bulimia. I hadn't even heard of it. But then she said "it's like comfort eating, but worse."
I moved out four months ago, making me responsible for my own shopping. My food is supposed to last me two weeks, but it only lasts me a hand full of days. I eat so much my stomach hurts, I eat half a loaf of bread in one night, if I go shopping I buy in bulk, and I really love pizza. I now eat two pizzas in one night, have really weird parings of food, have two dinners and it's getting ridiculous. I literally hate myself, I cry all the time, I stay in bed and try to sleep for most of the day so I eat less, and I can't lose weight, no matter how hard I try because I literally binge because of my blood sugar being all over the place if I eat less. If I am stressed or upset, I get hunger pains, and then I eat and eat and eat, even when I'm full up. My boyfriend even asked me last month if I was pregnant because I look like I have "gotten bigger". He didn't mean to offend me, I knew what he meant but I genuinely do look pregnant, I have the bump of a six month pregnant woman, when in reality it's a binge baby. I don't know what to do. I'm so ashamed, and I can't handle it.
@Lauralisa - first of all, I'm really proud of you for reaching out here. I know it's not easy to open up, and I'm really glad you did. You are not alone in this at all. BED is actually the most common eating disorder and there are loads of people on 7 Cups and elsewhere who have or are struggling with the same thing.
Have you ever talked to anyone about this? There are lots of different options for how to work towards recovery, including therapy, support groups, etc., and different people find different things helpful. I would be happy to help you think through some of the options and see if any appeal to you.
I do think that one of the most important things to do is to forgive yourself after a binge. Being cruel to yourself only escalates feelings of guilt which in turn can result in more binging. It's understandable to be upset with yourself, but if you try instead to treat yourself as a dear friend, things can get just a little bit easier.
A couple other tricks that some people find helpful - not sure if any will work for you, but I wanted to share them:
- When you feel a binge coming on, give yourself permission, but tell yourself you have to wait 20 minutes (or whatever length of time) first. Then find something to distract yourself between. Sometimes it won't work, but every once in a while, the urge will lessen during that time.
- Don't make any foods off limits - it only makes you crave them more. Instead, try figuring out what you are craving and then giving yourself a specific amount of it, eating it slowly and savoring, and hopefully filling that craving.
- When preparing food, make the amount you want and then take it to another room to eat. Just being out of the kitchen can sometimes help a good deal.
- Find distractions that work for you. This can be talking to a friend, watching a TV show, going for a walk, etc. Just something that makes you feel good.
- Don't view this as an all-or-nothing thing. Be proud of yourself and celebrate small victories. Eating a meal without binging is a victory, regardless of what happened before or what will happen afterwards. Celebrate that!
- Don't hesitate to reach out if you need more support. You can PM me whenever, or if you need someone more immediately, you can always request a listener here to vent to, find a distraction, work through how you're feeling, etc.
It's not easy, but I promise it is possible. You are so much stronger than you think and I truly believe in you. Take care and stay strong, beautiful!
