Night-Eating
Hello,
I am 40 years old and I am suffering from eating disorders (sometimes more or less) since I am a teenager. Now I am in a "more" period and that's mean gaining weight because of binge eating.
I also have periods of eating less and losing weight. Of course then I am happy.
Today I was binging several times. Last time just a couple of minutes ago. Why? I felt so save a few minutes before binging. But then I was thinking of the fridge and the food inside. Then I saw my arms, they felt growing the last hours. I felt my belly and I felt not good.
I thougth if I would'nt eat the food, I will eat it tomorrow or the next days. This evening I was planing for tomorrow. I thougth I will go to swim or do some yoga. Eating clean and start to losing weight again like in the past. I would like to feel light and free again. But it isn't working.
And now I feel my stomach. It hurts. And I won't sleep tonight because of my full belly. And Tomorrow I won't go to swim or doing my yoga praxis. I am sad about it. How can I handle this situation. Why did I do this today? I have an Idea. Yesterday I had a date. I met this guy in the internet. He was friendly and we talk good. He liked me and hes said, that I am beautiful. He wanted to touch. I told him sometimes not touching me because I don't like it now and I would like to knowing him better. Oh, I have to tell you, in the first minutes of meeting this man I was recognizing his smell. And I didn't liked form the beginning on. He smelled of cloth that weren't wash for several days and sweat whitout wearing a cologne or somthing similar. I couldn't tell him the truth. I wanted to be polite. We separated this time without a kiss. Puh! After coming home I felt how difficult this situation was. Today my body felt tired and heavy. And after binging this emotions were growing. Now I am thinking of tell him the truth. I will do it. Of course he will not change because it is a part of him. And to try to change someone isn't working. It never works. And I don't want to hurt him. But then other thoughts are poping up? Who will he react? Will he still seeing me? What of course I would like, but without having intimity with him. But would he accept this? I think no. My experience is it never worked out in the past in similar situation. And all this thoughts make me so resignating. And now I have to told you why. I have problems to having relationships or to giving boarders to the other person. Something I haven't learn.
Maybe that is causing my binging today. But binging is causing other problems to me. Help. What can I do to stop this? Hopeing to hearing from you.
Regards,
BN
@BNE
Thank you so much for opening up here in this forum. I feel honored & fortunate to have come across such an honest post. Let me warn you at the beginning, I probably have nothing intelligent to say- you may want to just skip this.
May I ask you, what's eating you? By this, I mean what 'hole' are you filling with food? Clearly it is making you unhappy. BTW, I don't think not eating is an answer either.
I know this is not an easy question to answer and may take weeks, months, or even a year to come to terms with but (I believe) there are reasons.
My personal feeling with anything we 'abuse' (define that as you may) is a way of trying to stop our suffering. (I believe the cause is what is relevant-- not whether you are eating, using drugs, or anything else.)
Perhaps if you did something with your hands would help? (I'm thinking of artsy type of things like knitting, crocheting, painting...where your occupied, we often eat out of boredom, and it's just a pain to keep washing your hands.)
I'll always say that it is a Joyful Path, but it doesn't mean it's rocky or we are meant to walk it all by ourselves. If you feel you need assistance, seeking help is a strength, not a weakness.
I hope to hear from you. Remain strong and be sure to remember to show yourself patience, compassion, and loving kindness.
Hello JeffWM,
thank you very much for your response. I needed a few days to find time to write here again. And of course I needed the time to think about your question: what is eating you?
How to answer this? I am on the run. I recognize that I am binging mostly at the weekends. Than I have no schedules. I try to do plans. Maybe doing sports or trying something new like hiking. But after waking up I feel so miserable that I often stay in bed. Than I feel guilty. And I eat. Everything what I found my flat. It is mostly not "bad" food. But en bloc it is too much. Sometimes it happens that I am not judging myself for staying in bed. It helps me a bit not loose the control by eating.
How can I stop to be so hard to myself? I know the problem is me. When I am alone in my flat I remember that I not live the life I wanted to live. I live in a attractive area. There are only cool people around me. They live a creative life, having a partner, friends and maybe little babies. I have nothing of that.
And I am not able to change my situation. Today I was binging again after work. Tada, the weekend is here, there is leisure time. And I was up to meet with a friend, to go to a concert.. But then I needed choclate again. And cake. I felt guilty again and I canceled that appointment with my friend to staying home and feeling bad.
I like sewing or doing something else with my hands.. but in case of feeling this pressure to binging I forget this.
I am searching for a therapy, but I don't know when it will starts and if it will help.
I feel I have just repeating my first post... Sorry, for that. And thank you for giving this idea of think about this hurting hole in me.
@BNE
First, you are not hurting others. (In the grand scheme of things, you're not so bad!) Be kind to yourself.
It takes a lot of effort in planning, shopping, and preparing food that is better for you. Start small perhaps? Maybe get something you enjoy, and package it up into a week's worth of bagged snacks. Try that alone for a couple of weeks. You're not in a race!
You can always move on from there. Eating healthier is a lot of work and an added expense. (It's a shame that garbage food is cheap!) Maybe you can find a pal to start slowly with.
In 5 years when you have met your goals, no one is going to ask you, "How long did it take you to get to where you are?". The point will be to get there, and feel better and of course to avoid any illnesses that you can.
Be strong, yet be patient & compassionate.