Out of control
Hi everyone I decided to write here to see how I should proceed. First off I grew up with a mother with anorexia. I thought it was completely normal and didn't really know what anorexia was growing up. I ate like her meaning I ate very little and limited foods. When I became an adult I realized the reality and was deeply upset that I spent so many years emulating my mother's diet. I had no body issues I just purely thought her way of eating was normal. Moving on, in adulthood I celebrated my freedom and ate and enjoyed trying all these foods I never had before. I'll admit some of it was celebration and some of it was spite. I ate and never thought about my weight or body. I am tall so any extra weight was hidden. Not only that but I avoided the scale like the plague I was scared one day I'd step on it, get upset , and become my mom. Now I am overweight.. and I think my eating has gone beyond having fun and trying new foods. I literally catch myself sneaking food..I will sneak and hide how much I eat in a day. I knew something was wrong when I would hide the wrappers or eat a lot while my husband is at work. I am embarrassed and I dont know what to do.These past few months I have tried to control my eating and exercise but I still feel out of control. Just the idea of counting calories makes me mad and think of how my mom lives. I dont hate my body but I hate what I am doing to it. I dont know where to start and I am embarrassed. What did you guys do when you realized you may have a binge eating problem?
Oddly enough I can relate to you almost through a childhood experience that is kind of the opposite of yours. While you limited your food intake and what you ate because of your mom, my mom and most of my family fed me more than any kid should eat, and with some of the worst misconceptions about what healthy food is. I was an obese child up until I entered the tenth grade at which point I realized that the way we ate was not leading to anything besides diabetes, heart disease, hypertension, etc (all which run deeply in my family). I began to change my diet, exercise, and before I knew it the pounds were coming off very quickly. Fast forward ten years, and the want to stay away from the diet and lifestyle my family taught me has grown into an unhealthy obsession with overthinking every single thing I consume, counting calories, the scale, and my body image both through the mirror and imagined. I restrict myself pretty well, but at parties and large family events, or even when I'm just excited to be with someone where there's food around, I binge like I've never seen food before. That sets off the chain of reactions that I believe are the root of my depression. Talking about this stuff helps. It let's you understand yourself more. Maybe not assign culpability, but at least know that you can try new things those you learned bad habits from didn't. For example, I used to sneak food too, or prohibit certain foods, which would result in binging when I lost will later on in the day, week, or even month. Now, if I'm really craving something, I just have it. It gives less power to the food, more to myself. I hope at least some of this made some sense! Trust me, you're not alone in this.
