Too Big to be See

When you get to a certain size it?s like being invisible. Few pay attention and most just pass by. It feels good to be in the world and separated from humanity at the same time. I was so big no one cared about me.

When I was growing up there were many days without food. Now when I see a large person I wonder if they eat or binge. In the old days I only starved or binged. Now binging will kill me so I have to make a choice. I think most of us with eating disorders get to this place where it?s either change or die. Honestly if I thought death would be quick and painless I might choose that. But this brand of death comes from having less and less of what you need and too much of what you don?t. It?s slow and worst of all, ugly.

I think I prefer invisible to ugly. After all when I am a certain size no one notices or sees how I really look. It?s like being covered in wrapping paper. Under the packaging remains unseen.

After all this time my pancreas has decided to shut down on me. Now eating gives me immediate grief far sooner than I thought possible, and what relief it once gave me has been replaced with fear. If I don?t match my insulin injections to my food consumption it?s bad. Eating too much at one time cannot be counteracted safely.

I have lost most of my size. If there were no pauses from my body I think I would just keep on losing weight until I was so thin I blended in with the wind.

All my life I have been alone, and I still feel as if I am. Most of what happens to me is in the isolation and solitude of my thoughts. It would be nice to just avoid this whole bother entirely. My diseases are at odds with each other and I have to face my future. I can?t be a binge eater anymore.